Bachelor
Taller Than The Washington Monument

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A Fantasy Suite In The Lincoln Bedroom

Mandy Jaye, meanwhile, thinks that "the stakes are fairly high" for her. She wants to be sincere and honest. Bench hilarity ensues, and Jesse and Mandy Jaye greet each other like reconciling siblings who haven't talked in a few years. Jesse marvels over the beauty of "this day," marveling, "look at that!" with an indication toward the Capitol Building. And again, my architecture history is a little vague and I haven't visited the seat of freedom in our nation in, oh, eighteen years, but aren't I right in assuming that building is kind of there EVERY day? But if I'm wrong, tell me and I'll fix it. In response, Mandy Jaye indicates the grandeur of the Washington Monument, which is quite pointy and the subject of a song I wrote once that no one will ever, ever hear again except Wing and maybe my mom. But only because they asked. ["And because you mentioned it, this day's heaven-sent. Will you sing it to the tune of a down of hoe?" -- Wing Chun]

Jesse and Mandy Jaye board a ship called the U.S.S. Sequoia, which also includes the words "Presidential Yacht" on it, which Mandy Jaye finds extremely exciting. I think that's just an expression. I don't think it will feature the actual presence of the President. On the boat, Mandy Jaye tells Jesse that she has "no control" over the situation, after which we're led to believe that they sit in silence for a thousand hours. Jesse starts to whistle because he's a dick, and he tells us that as a result of Mandy Jaye's inability to open herself up to him, she's becoming less physically attractive to him. Because he can see inside people, man. And also because she was never getting chosen, so why not just bring Trish back?

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the most desperate, unsuccessful gambit in Bachelor history, one that looks so staged I'm surprised no one yells "cut" and called for a rewrite that finally drives the show so over budget they're forced to shut down production in some exceedingly dramatic Lost in La Mancha kind of way. Trish is in a car. In Washington. How'd she know that they were there? Meh. Why ask questions. Trish: "I think a lot of people would think that I'm completely psychotic for doing this." Nah. That implies a mental investment on our part that seems a bit overspoken. She checks into her room and changes into a dress. "I'm gonna get what I want," she tells us. "Jesse is what I want." A ten-minute season finale is what I want. You see how there are sometimes things that aren't even worth fighting for?

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