Bachelor
Tennis, Everyone?

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Seventy-Minute Man

Chris Harrison takes the utensils to the glassware, and another night at The Video Message Nickelodeon gets underway.

In they walk, Andy sitting down on his side of the couch and Chris observing, "Well, here we are." Andrew talks about his "difficult night," saying that he's pretty "unsure" about a few things. There are more than a "few ladies" who he think could blah blah blah blee-o-la. Wasn't this entire episode on last week, with a special trip to the Olive Garden built in? The video messages run according to plan as well: Jen tells Andrew what a great time she had on her date. Kirsten tells Andrew what a great time she had on her date, though she does add the kind of brilliant parameters of how much she enjoys her time with him, "whether we're on a yacht or at the drive-in," which is the WASPy, pretty-people compromise of "richer and poorer," I guess. Ann-Michelle tells Andrew what a great time she had on her date. Christina tells Andrew what a great time she had on her date. Liz tells Andrew what a great time she had on her date. Tina tells Andrew what a great time she had on her date.

And back downstairs, Chris brings the wicker rose carrier into the room and announces that tonight "opens a new chapter for you." Andy enters the room and gives his usual weird circular speech about doing things "from the heart" and "from the mind," adding this time that he's excited to meet the families of the lucky four. And who could they be? Let's go see!

Tina, can I have my watch back? I mean, will you accept this rose?

Kirsten, will you accept this rose? As long as you promise never to get all fat and poor again?

Jen, will you accept this rose? We can sit together. In our rocking chairs. And watch it grow. And die. In silence. Kill me.

Hey, Chris.

Christina, will you accept this rose? At least you know it's the only thing in this room that has a chance of dying before you do.

Not Liz, will you accept this un-rose? I have to say I'm a little surprised. She smiles broadly and tries not to cry when Chris returns and calls them out by name, telling Liz and Ann-Michelle to hit the road. Ann-Michelle gives him a hug and leaves, telling us afterward that she's "somewhat sad," but that if Andrew doesn't want to be with her, it's "meant to be." Liz is similarly philosophical, except for the part where she can't look him in the eye when Andy weirdly tells her, "I cannot wait to hear what you're doing," and we cut outside to find the very brand of meltdown that makes us tune in to begin with: "I came here to fall in love, and I fell in love. But I'm not what he's looking for. This is not what he's looking for. What he's looking for is in there." A shot of the remaining contestants toasting champagne glasses indicates the "in there" to which Liz is referring, and we end poignantly with her having the last word: "You want to see a girl who's crushed? You got her." Sob. Fade. Blah.

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Bachelor

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