Bachelor
Tennis, Everyone?

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Seventy-Minute Man

In a quick interview, Liz's hair is pulled into two pigtails, and the only reason this means she's not going to get a rose is because of the awkwardness of trying to pronounce the hyphenate "Longstocking-Firestone" every time they meet somebody new. In said interview, she admits, "I am a little nervous. Obviously, the friends didn't choose me for the one-on-one date, so if the compatibility test doesn't work out for me, I don't know if that means I'm gonna be going home pretty soon." Well, considering not one episode out of the past three has rolled in at under sixty minutes, I would place a relative stress only on "soon." But yes, still "soon" nonetheless.

Ann-Michelle finds a box approximately the size of a shoebox on a pedestal outside the house. Inside the house, she opens it to find a card reading, "Jen." And because I predicted that Jen wasn't good enough television to be kept around for this long, it is clear that this date box is a product-placed gift compliments of the fine folks at Lady Foot-In-Mouth Locker. Meh. Ann-Michelle holds a small, plastic helicopter in her hand, waving it around jerkily to signify flight. Hey, careful with the Spruce Moose. We're a quick cut from Jen occupying Ann-Michelle's spot, reading a note out loud: "Come fly with me. Paradise awaits us." Ann-Michelle instinctively knows that this means Jen will be going on "a helicopter ride to a spa," and before we cut away we check in on Liz, who is gnashing her teeth together into a twisted facsimile of a smile and announcing, "That's so exciting!" Looks like the section of her foolproof personality analysis asking "On a scale of one to crazy, are you, like, totally crazy?" had one too many follow-ups, "No, really, are you? Are you? You are, aren't you?" to convince the computer otherwise.

As he approaches the front door of the Maison Du Crazed Ones, Andrew "Putting The 'Fun' Back In 'Trust Fund'" Firestone voices over for our approval, "I'm really looking forward to my date with Jen today. I think it's going to be a blast." Well, she seems like a nice girl and all, but...a "blast"? What show is this, Zoom? In his limo, Andrew muses in voice-over, "The getting-to-know-you stage is over, and now it's more to find out if there's compatibility, if there's fire. And the only way to find that out is to open up emotionally." The getting-to-know-you stage was comprised of the two questions, "You know I'm crazy freakin' rich, right?" and "So, what do you think of Kirsten?" Please note that it is now "over."

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Bachelor

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