Bachelor
Tennis, Everyone?

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Seventy-Minute Man

Andrew raps three times on the front door of the house, and Jen opens the front door to find one whole sentence of this recap written with a complete and utter absence of snark. Do something loud or desperate or boozy or stupid, Jen! Fall down a pothole or puke in a hot tub or suggest an intimate one-on-one date at Ruby Tuesday's or tweeze your eyebrows into a Rorschach drawing of two question marks that make you look like you're always scheming up your next evil deed. Okay, granted. Most of those things have already been done by other girls in the house. So, Jen! Fall down a pothole! It's not that we don't like you, it's just that we want to like you more in a make-fun-of-you-for-falling-down-a-pothole kind of way. Andrew enters the house, giving Jen a big hug and offering the remaining five women a strained "Hi, guys. How are you?" In an interview, Jen notes, "I think they're all probably a little envious that I'm going on the one-on-one date with him." And I'm kind of envious of the five girls who get to hang around the house away from the camera's angry gaze for a few hours while we all jet off in the Spruce Moose to watch Andrew and Jen force conversation of the "I like spas. Don't you like spas? I like robes. Isn't this a blast?" variety. On my personality analysis, I answered every question, "Not as exciting as watching Liz's mouth twitch involuntarily, thanks." Somebody wanna check if that machine is still plugged in?

The limo steams into a private heliport of some kind, and we cut to the back of the car to find Andrew and Jen engaged in a conversation regarding whether or not the helicopter they're about to go in has parachutes or not. Andrew laughs uproariously, perhaps reminiscing about the "my other car is also a plane" bumper sticker he affixed to one of his own fleet of helicopters back at the estate, and he explains to my-car-and- my-personality- are-both- a-taupe-Civic Jen: "If that thing is spinning, I don't think you want to jump out." Jen pauses so long that helicopter transportation is rendered fundamentally obsolete when humans develop the evolutionary power of flight over the next several million years, before volleying back her rejoinder, "I don't want to stay in!" Wait. What were we talking about again?

Up in the helicopter now, Andrew and Jen are wearing those giant earphones with the microphones at the end that were such a godsent inhibitor for Trista in her constant battle to avoid having to be in any way intimate with Russ (I think she would have gone on a date to a Klan meeting just so she could be all, "Look! These convenient hoods will prevent us from having to even see each others' faces, much less mash them together in a shameful display of what you humans call love." But anyway). Jen and Andrew touch down in Palm Springs and wind up at some spa that they oooh and aaah over despite the fact that it looks exactly like both of the houses they're living in on the show. They crack open a bottle of champagne and retire to a nearby couch, where Andrew tells us in an interview how "at ease" he feels when he's around her. Andrew regales her with tales of his siblings and how many kids they have. Hold on, now! I thought the "getting to know you stage" was over. I feel no such "fire," except the one I have just set in my hair to keep things interesting and me awake. Andrew shares the offspring statistics of his siblings, explaining in a misguided tense -- indicating that his oratory powers are sic-ly at best -- "One has four kids, four kids, and three kids." Wait, what? One of his siblings has eleven kids? What a strange numerical construction. I look forward to Andrew's musings on "how many blackbirds are baked in a pie" and his historical analysis of "how long ago our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation." What's going on? Is this the experimental section? I feel like I've been watching this episode for nine quatrains and a bushel.

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