Hey, there really is a hot tub at the tennis court! I guess it wasn't a joke. Sometimes I feel like I've never actually seen this show before. Christina and Andrew retire there, and we find her grilling him again. She asks point-blank how he feels about her, and he interviews, "One thing that makes me hesitate a little bit is the fact that Christina is a lot more aggressive than the other ladies." She asks if he wants to meet her family, and he offers up this response: "I'm so curious to find out what's going on in New Jersey, I can't even tell you." Whoa, Andy Todd Whitman! Way to oversell your travel desires. I mean, some of my best friends and blah blah blah, but it's still New Jersey. If I go outside and climb a flight of steps, I can practically see it. So much is not going on in New Jersey right now, I can't even tell you. I've even been there twice. This week. Alone. Seders and airports. That's what goes on in New Jersey. It's also the name of my tell-all autobiography about life in the cutthroat recapping business. Seders and Airports: The Djb That Lurks Within. Because if my tell-all doesn't have an authoritative colon somewhere in it, I'm so serious that I'm not even bothering to write that shit.
Andrew and Liz sit under a tent in the middle of the tennis court. She offers to him what she poses as a question. She wonders "if you even maybe want to kiss me sometime, or if you think I'm just like a little girl who is more of, like, a friend." Look, dude, I'm not totally into brunettes either, but you have to admit she is the prettiest one left in the bunch. What are you waiting for? Liz regrets that she "wimped out" and didn't kiss Andrew when they were alone. Tina, however, wimps for nothing, and she takes Andrew's hand and informs him, "I love your watch." Finally, rather than waiting until they're married, someone follows her impulse and starts annexing his pricey jewelry piece by piece. As she puts it on, Tina asks if she should feel "jealous or threatened" by any of the other girls, and Andrew tells her not to. Christina sits next to him in the limo and, apropos of nothing, asks Andrew, "Where's your watch?" Tina is all, "You know I have it!" and Christina is all, "I forgot!" and Liz is all, "So, do I need to arrange my own car to the airport tomorrow, or...?"
Shortest. Date. Ever. Not that you'll be seeing any complaints outta me. Here's what gets complaints outta me, though: the subtitle below her name refers to her as "Anne-Michelle," but in the opening credits I promise you it reads "Ann-Michelle." Let us dream about a future time when this will no longer be a problem. Let us set our sights on the dreamy Neverland that is "next week's episode." Anyway, Ann-Michelle arrives at Andy's pad, and the two of them enjoy a fondue dinner, which cannot be a less date-ish type of food. In the hot tub, Ann-Michelle is a little strident when she talks about a potential meeting between Andy and her family. He tells her that he won't be unsure of his feelings for a girl by the time he steps into her house, and Ann-Michelle pauses a second and she tells him, "I believed you until about right now." He responds, "That's the truth, Ruth," maybe because he's still got that song about Christina stuck in his head. Say what you will about Bachelor: The Musical, you'll absolutely leave the theater humming. That's really the whole date.