The Bachelor Revealed (Season 2)

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Love Is in the Heir

Previously: Alex Michel -- a creepy, dead-eyed, smirking tool -- pretended that he was interested in getting married in order to star in his own reality show. Millions watched in horrified fascination to see whether this guy would actually follow through with the show's central premise. He picked Amanda Marsh, the blonde girl with the biggest breasts. According to several entertainment news reports, their "relationship" evaporated almost the moment the cameras stopped rolling.

Bring me men! Men as dumb as mountains! The new season opens with a clip show of dozens of WASPy white men in various states of activity and undress. The host, Chris Harrison, narrates that thousands of these morons submitted entries to be considered as the next self-absorbed tool to stand around and smirk while women fight for his love, because that's the foundation of a good relationship right there. There isn't a single person of colour in all the clips they show. Tonight, we'll meet the five final candidates for the first bachelor of the season, along with the twenty-five women who will debase themselves to "win" him. We'll also "catch up" with Alex and Amanda in an "exclusive interview" for some pathetic ABC-driven attempt at damage control, all before finding out which tool was chosen to make us recoil in horror for the few episodes before the show gets canceled. I can't wait. During the opening of the show, we see shots of the bachelor in his tuxedo, holding a rose. In order to increase the tension, they only show him from the back, or do close-ups of his smile. Unfortunately, we can tell that he's blond, and since there's only one blond finalist, it's completely obvious who it is, so nice try, dipshits.

Chris greets us in front of the mansion that was used as the setting last season. Like the hosts of Temptation Island and Looking for Love, Chris is a sad, pathetic man whose job is to make us think that this show is really about finding love, and not the awful public train-wreck of romantic dysfunction that it actually is. Chris insists to us in all seriousness that he was "bombarded" with questions since the end of last season. Questions like, "When the hell are you going to pay the rent?" and, "Where is the spinach salad I ordered?" I'd bet. He insists that people want to know whether Alex and Amanda are together, and when they'll "turn the tables" and let a woman choose. Quit lying to me. Nobody asked you shit. Nobody even recognizes you. Regardless, we'll get those answers tonight. Well, we'll get "answers" tonight. Whether we should believe them is another question entirely.

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