But first, bring me men! Bring me men so dull and plain! More clips of men auditioning to be on the show. There's an Asian-American man and a Latino man, finally. Men tell us all how wonderful they are. Men take their shirts off. Men videotape themselves in the shower or while holding a bunny. Men do magic tricks and admit that they're still virgins. The producers of the show decide to break the fourth wall, because they think we care at all about the selection process. Some dweeb explains that the man they choose must not only be willing to get married (or at least insist that he is); he also has to "grab the attention" of twenty-five beautiful women. As long as there's a cameraman within the sightline of the bachelor, I'm thinking that won't be a problem. Producers watch the clips. They talk about the guys. Chris explains that they have to narrow it down to one guy. Duh. One of the bachelors says in an interview, "We're all unique. But I think I'm a little more unique." I hope there aren't any English teachers among the ladies. A producer insists that they don't want a man who is just "looking for chicks." You should be more concerned about the men who are just looking to get on television. Some Chipster insists that women find him sexy "in almost every capacity." Chris narrates that the bachelor must be financially secure, though he doesn't need to be a millionaire. He also needs to look good with his shirt off, apparently. Chris goes on to insist that what they're looking for most of all is "sincerity." Ha ha ha ha ha! No, really. He says that. I think what they should be looking for most is a dictionary. Would anybody who was sincere about finding a life partner be willing to make a contest out of it? Of course not. Idiots. Shut up. Eventually the producers narrowed the field down to five finalists: Mark, John, Jason, Aaron, and Robert. We'll be seeing profiles of each of them tonight, and then they'll announce which one they've chosen as "The Bachelor."
Our first finalist is Mark, thirty-four, a U.S. Air Force Captain. Mark thinks he bears a resemblance to Tom Cruise in Top Gun. He totally doesn't. They have the same hair color. That's it. Mark takes off his shirt. He's got a pretty good body. Mark swims around. Mark explains that he was engaged once, and that it didn't work out. A friend tells us that Mark is a "sincere and genuine man." Mark bikes around in spandex shorts. He says something utterly incomprehensible to the effect that people need to get through his shell or whatever to find out what he's truly like. Beware of anybody who feels the need to describe himself as "deep." Those people never are. Ever. He thinks that he has a lot of "qualities that someone would like to be with." Good oral skills obviously aren't one of those qualities. Well, at least not the oral skills they show on camera. He explains that the Air Force is part of his life. He says he goes shopping in his flight suit. He says he's looking for a woman who "complements" him and vice versa. How romantic. He stares over the ocean in his red baseball cap, tank top, and biker shorts. He thinks that finding somebody would be "fantastic." Personally, I think he's a closet case, and that he has hit the career wall in the military and needs a "wife" to socialize with the other military wives and say good things about him to their hubbies so he can get a promotion. But that's just me.