Bachelor
The Bachelor Revealed (Season 2)

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Love Is in the Heir

The producers diplomatically observe that Jason is "very self-confident." The guy suffers from a serious affliction of the Raging Assholes. Let's not beat around the bush. Oh god, there's more. He insists that he has the body of a twenty-one-year-old (he doesn't), and says that the women of San Francisco "revere [him] as a sexual object." I occasionally make jokes about hitting obnoxious people on television, but if I were in the same room as this guy, I really, really would have to restrain myself from physically attacking him. He says that he has "sexual relations" with three different women right now. I think he's lying. I really do. He's not even that attractive. A producer observes that Jason is "very smooth, and very, very into himself." What more could you want from the man of your dreams? Jason summarizes himself perfectly by saying, "I can't be cognizant of anybody but myself. If that's not good enough for them, that's fine." Why exactly is he looking for a wife? He worries, "My biggest fear is, 'Will they like me for who I am inside?'" No, they won't. Ick. He blathers on some middle-management speak about "going the distance" and blah blah blah. He says he's prepared to consider the possibility of marriage if he's chosen as the bachelor. If he's chosen as the bachelor, I will start mailing Wing Chun my used Dr. Scholl's odor-eaters in the hopes of getting fired. ["Rookie. I married Glark. Do you really think I can be fazed by bad smells?" -- Wing Chun]

And now, it's time to start gawking at the ladies who have serious esteem issues. We see clips of women in bikinis, women dancing, and women working out, as Chris narrates the process the show used to gather the girls who will actually compete against each other in order to try to land a husband. Chris explains that the difference between this search and the search for the bachelor is that they're looking for twenty-five women, not one. This show is so complicated. I'm not sure if I can keep up. We get another montage of audition clips. Women in skimpy clothing. Women with big breasts. For some reason, an elderly woman sent in an audition tape to be considered for the show. Ha ha! It's funny when old people try to act like actual human beings and date and stuff.

The show took additional steps to track down pretty bimbos who want to be on television by holding open "auditions" across the country. How creepy is it to go to an audition to have strangers determine whether or not you're potential marriage material? One of the women tells a producer that she's modeled for Playboy. Chris narrates that some of them were nervous, but most of them were excited at the prospect of meeting "the man of their dreams." Even though they don't know who he is, what he looks like, or a single thing about him, they're sure he's Mister Right. This show makes me so happy that I'm gay. The producers look over all the candidates. Chris explains that the women they choose must be single, between the ages of twenty-one and thirty-five (sorry, Granny), and "adventurous" (which is reality-show code for "will take all her clothes off in front of the camera). I assume they must also have large breasts, because that's what the clips are focusing on. In a couple of shots, we don't even see the women's heads! She should also be ready to get married (duh), intelligent (shot of big breasts, then a candidate explaining that she works as an "analyst" at an engine shop), ambitious (shot of big breasts, then a woman explaining that she wants to be "incredibly famous"), and of course, attractive (clip show of big-breasted women in swimsuits).

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Bachelor

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