Bachelor
The Bachelor Revealed (Season 2)

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Love Is in the Heir

Back at the mansion, Chris lies that "people" have been wanting to know whether the show would reverse the formula -- a bachelorette picking from twenty-five men. These "people" already know that you are because it was announced months ago that Trista Rehn, one of Alex's rejectees, was going take center stage later this season. Oh god, time for ridiculous levels of hyperbole. As they show clips of Alex choosing Amanda last season, Chris narrates, "[Alex] left Trista broken-hearted. Men all over the country were shocked. How could he pass up a beautiful, intelligent woman like Trista?" I don't believe a single adjective or adverb in those previous sentences, nor about half the nouns. I even have doubts about some of the articles. A creepy, smirking Alex tells Trista through his little pursed lips that they aren't right for each other, because Amanda has bigger breasts and is a little kinky. Trista cries in a cab and declares that she'll get over it. I'm sure after seeing what has happened between Alex and Amanda, she's probably thrilled not to have been chosen. Ooh, more lies. We see Trista at a bunch of photo shoots, clearly doing publicity shots for the show. Chris narrates that when word got out that Trista would be back in a leading role next season, "media outlets across the country wanted to speak with her." Let me translate that: When ABC asked Trista to return next season, they (and parent company Disney) ordered all their local affiliates and media properties to cover the non-news. We see Trista interviewed by some loser. It's obviously part of some media conference thing, and the room she's in is completely empty except for this crew. Nobody cares. More clips of media synergy in action. Chris narrates, "When Trista was sent home that day, she became America's sweetheart." What the hell? Hey, ABC; don't let your publicity department write scripts for your shows. It's embarrassing. By way of evidence, they force two interns to pretend to be "people on the street" and insist that Alex picked the wrong girl.

All this nonsense isn't quite enough, though. Chris has a one-on-one interview with Trista about her preparations for her upcoming role as the bachelorette. Which, god willing, we'll never see because the show will be cancelled by then. Was she shocked when Alex didn't pick her? Yes, she was. I just want to let you all know that every time I have to type something about the bachelor "picking" somebody to marry, my hands curl into fists and I have to stop typing. But then the girls start blathering about how much they want to be picked and blah blah blah, and I realize they're all getting what they deserve. Would Trista had said yes if Alex had picked her? Yes, she would have at the time. Which I assume means she wouldn't now, but she doesn't say so. Is she ready to get married? What sort of dumb-ass question is that? Yes, she is. Chris asks her about the "pressure" she may feel being the first bachelorette. Yeah, I'm sure NOW and any number of feminist groups, individuals, and certain highly evolved animals are totally going to change their minds about this show if Trista truly represents for the ladies, you know? Trista says she's ready. Chris asks her how "intimate" she's willing to get. Ew! He just asked her if she's willing to have sex on-camera! Trista says that she doesn't intend to look like "a tramp." She insists that she's looking for a "serious relationship." But, she adds that how they kiss and how the guys "share intimacies" with her is a factor in her decisions. So the answer is yes; she will have sex on-camera. Chris brings up some admission of Trista's from last season that she's never had an orgasm during sex. That's true. Chris asks her how she thinks the guys are going to respond to this admission. I don't have words anymore. I'm just flailing my hands around blankly trying to formulate some way of explaining how much this turn in the conversation is skeeving me out. It's not that I'm uncomfortable with people talking about sex on television at all. It's this whole creepy speculation that pretty much boils down to, "You think one of these guys are going to give you the big 'O'?" Trista suggests that perhaps she'll set up some sort of competition. But not a "trampy" competition, mind you. Just a dignified, ladylike contest to see which man gives her an orgasm first. She insists that she's joking. Yeah, right.

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