The Bachelor Revealed (Season 2)

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Love Is in the Heir

Speaking of scary and sad, here are a handful of ABC actors/personalities, along with some other C-list celebrities telling us how much they love the show. Dennis Franz insists that he watched the show. Stars I don't recognize loved the show. Mario Lopez watched the show. Kathy Griffin watched the show. Why the hell are we watching commercials for the damned show during the show? We're here! Stop telling us how much people loved the show and show the damned show! Jerry Springer and his audience support the show. More clips from last season. The people behind the show desperately try to convince us and themselves that the show will remain popular this season. So very sad.

Commercials. When we return, it's time to meet our final finalist: John, thirty-five, a financial consultant from New Hope, PA. John drives a Lexus. John shaves while wearing just a towel. He tells us he's looking for the right woman. John is completely and utterly nondescript. I'm surprised he even shows up on film. A friend explains that he nominated John because John is the perfect "all-around bachelor." I didn't realize there were categories of bachelor, other than "confirmed bachelors" such as myself. Why is John such a catch? Because he can sing in Italian. But not very well. A producer insists to us that John is "sincere" and "engaging" as they show clips of John playing golf. John was an accounting major in college, but he hated it, so he became a financial consultant instead. What the hell is a financial consultant, anyway? Isn't that just a freelance accountant? John's house is located on the edge of a lake and has a pretty view. Yeah, that's a good reason to marry a guy: for the view. He explains that he hasn't gotten married yet because he's "very particular." Well, no doubt somebody who's really particular will be able to find the perfect woman out of a pool of twenty-five whole people selected for him by strangers. He says that he told his parents not to be surprised if he just comes home married one day. I'm sure they won't be surprised if they see you getting engaged to a woman on a television show, nitwit. Also, aren't you going to invite your parents to the wedding? Or, you know, at least tell them in advance?

Put on your hip boots and grab your shovels! It's time to catch up on our "happy" "couple" from last season, Alex and Amanda. We get clips of Alex smirking creepily and giving Amanda a ring, and then taking it back. Chris sits down with them for what he described in the entertainment press as a no-holds-barred interview with "tough" questions. Apparently, in Chris's dictionary, that equates to assisting the show in bullshitting the viewers into thinking that something ever came of last season and that this show isn't an awful, embarrassing travesty. Chris starts by pointing out that there have been "rumors" about Amanda and Alex, and starts off by asking them whether they are still together. Amazingly -- despite the existence of direct interviews with Amanda that ran just months ago insisting that the two of them were no more -- they insist that they're still together. Alex lives in Los Angeles and Amanda lives in Kansas City, but they insist that they're still seeing each other regularly. My theory about this steaming pile of bullshit is that ABC realized that this show will totally bomb if it was clear that the first season totally failed to deliver the goods, and they begged or paid these two to come back and claim that they're still together. That's just a theory and opinion, mind you. Hear that, Disney lawyers? An opinion. They blather on about how shocked they were that they became famous because the show was such a hit. Amanda holds Alex's hands in her lap, while he endeavors to have as little contact with Amanda's body as humanly possible while still sitting next to her. Chris brings up the issue of everybody thinking Alex is gay. Is he? No he's not. It's all very Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. He's really not gay. He's not. He's not gay. He's not gay. Stop saying he's gay! He's not gay! He's not! Chris said that had to be a tough rumor to deal with. Oh, fucking please. The poor baby! This discussion goes on and on and on. Alex can't be gay! He kissed girls! And it's physically impossible for gay men to kiss girls! Alex dismisses it as wishful thinking. Ew. God, how full of himself. I think I can speak for many, many, many gay men when I say, not on your best day, toolbox.

Chris asks them what they think is going to happen with the new bachelor. Amanda points out that he'll be making out with all the girls, because that's what "[her] boyfriend" did, because he's not gay! Chris asks Amanda if she has any advice. She advises him not to make out with all the girls, like "[her] boyfriend" did. Geez, get the fuck over it. You went on a reality show where you competed with twenty-four other women to fling yourself at a man. You have absolutely no moral high ground. None. Even if the two of you were still actually together. And you're not. She further advises the bachelor to remember that these women have feelings, too. Alex advises the new bachelor not to puke (no, really) and not to "overthink" things. Yeah, you're just trying to find a wife. It's not something worth worrying about. Chris explains that the hard part about the show was toward the end, because it became a "parade of break-ups" every week. Apparently, Alex didn't realize that these other women would become attached to him or anything. It's not like he encouraged that sort of thing, what with the dating and kissing and flowers. Chris reveals that this is Alex and Amanda's last network interview together about their status as a couple. Of course, that means nobody can challenge them over the reality of their "relationship." So, if you see one of them on television without the other one, that doesn't mean they're not together. They're just not doing interviews together because they aren't talking about their relationship. They haven't broken up. They haven't!

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