Bachelor
The Bassmaster

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The Bassmaster

Chris "I Can't Believe I'm Still Participating in This Charade" Harrison walks through the mansion and welcomes us back for yet another season of The Bachelor. He explains that "over the years, we've seen a little bit of everything" on the show. Everything? Have we seen a contestant singing "Yankee Doodle" while eating a cucumber and watercress sandwich naked? Admittedly, I haven't seen every episode of every season, but I think I would have heard about that one. In conclusion, shut up Chris Harrison's writers. Chris was apparently talking about the results of the show, including public proposals and public break-ups. He concludes by asking, "Who can forget Trista and Ryan's wedding?" Well, me. Because I didn't watch it in the first place. But I'm sure that most people who did watch it wish that they could forget it. Especially Ryan. Hey, Chris, where are you going?

Oh, he was just walking to yet another terrace. That place is Terrace Central. Chris tells us that this show "has the potential to give two people the most wonderful thing in life." Oodles of money? Sex slaves? Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby Ice Cream? "A marriage, filled with love and romance." Oh. Whatever. Chris leaves out the part where the show has never really done that, and moves on to explain that this season, on the final night, the Bachelor will either propose or walk away. In other words, you (the audience) know that the previous proposals (and promise rings) have all been shams, and we know that you know, and you know that we know that you know, and so on. So let's not pretend anymore! I like this new spirit of honesty! Chris, do you have anything else to share with the group?

Chris now walks into the mansion and says that they looked through thousands of applications in search of the perfect husband. Did he just come out on national television? If not, why is he looking for a husband? Oh, for someone else. Got it. Anyway, they copped out on making an actual decision (which is so like ABC) and decided to bring two guys in and let the ladies choose. What a shocking twist! I'm sure it will be the most dramatic...oh, you're heard that one before. You know those lamps that Vern always used to use on Trading Spaces before he jumped off that sinking ship? The silk hanging ones with a tassel on the end? Yeah, they always reminded me of a used condom. Sorry, if you own one. I'm just joining in the honesty that will surely permeate this season. Chris explains to us that now the women are empowered. Wait, feminists wasted all that time trying to pass the Equal Rights Amendment, and all it took was a rule change on The Bachelor?

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