Bachelor
The Bassmaster

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The Bassmaster

Chris walks into YET ANOTHER ROOM, like, stand still for a minute, dude. He says that it's time to meet the two Bachelors, who have never met each other. Wow, I hope they get along! Because it's so important that they have chemistry and..what? They'll never see each other again after one of them is eliminated? Well, that takes all the tension out of this moment. Although it would be awesome if they ran off with each other, and the show was over. Two stretch limos pull up, and then break opposite ways around a fountain to meet in a fiery head-on collision. Not really, but that also would have added to the tension of the scene. One Bachelor exits each limo, and they look at each other in a manly, threatening way. Pistols at dawn! Chris introduces the two men to each other, and their names are Byron and Jay. Chris lies that men all over the country want to be The Bachelor. What happened to our newfound honesty, Chris? Byron interviews that he's sizing up Jay every way he can. Hmm, maybe they will run off together. Byron adds that Jay has "gray hair" in a "shorter, tighter look," and is "a city-looking guy." Yes, those city folk with their short gray hair. Byron concludes by vowing, "This guy is not going to take my future wife away from me." Jay interviews that Byron is "an imposing, confident guy," but that Jay wouldn't bet against himself. Whatever that means.

Chris leads the men out to the pool house, where they get it on. Just kidding. Chris shows them photos of the female contestants, and then cues up a videotape with the men's biography packages on it. How low-tech. Videotape. Even Mark L. Walberg got to use a personal DVD player on Temptation Island.

First up is Byron. I guess I should do physical descriptions here. Byron is tall and craggy, with longish blond hair, blue eyes, really white teeth, and lots and lots of sun damage. He kind of looks like Shadoe Stevens. We learn that Byron is a professional bass fisherman, and that his "office is every beautiful lake and river in the country." I know that was Wing's favorite line from the commercials, so I wanted to make sure I pointed it out. ["I did love that. I'm glad my office, unlike his, has a place to sit down, and electricity, and a TV." -- Wing Chun] Byron's from Southern California, and used to go fishing with his father. They have a lot of photos of young Byron holding fish. It reminds me of when one of my friends got married, and her maid of honor was trying to find photos of her groom for a slide show at the reception, and she complained that every photo of him as a kid featured him in his underwear, or holding a fish, or both. The sad music starts, and Byron voice-overs that his parents divorced when he was ten. So they show a photo of him at about six. Byron graduated from UC Irvine in 1987 with a degree in English. Wow, he's old. He thought about going to law school, but he had a passion for fishing. He lists off his fishing credentials, but I know nothing about the world of competitive fishing (or even really that there was a world of competitive fishing), so they mean nothing to me. Testimonial time! Byron's friend Mike says that Byron is independent and outdoorsy, but lest you think he is a lone wolf, Mike says that Byron is also "great in a relationship." How would Mike know? Hey, I'm not obsessed with the HoYay. Mike Fleiss is! Allegedly. Byron's great relationshipocity is represented visually with my favorite shot of the episode, which features Byron sitting by a fire, reading a book, and sipping wine. Who does that? Byron admits that he was previously married, but that he and his wife lived in Las Vegas, and his wife chose the nightlife over the homelife. In other words, his wife was a whore. Well, you know that's what he thinks. He certainly didn't take any responsibility for the failure of the relationship. Byron concludes by saying that he wants a wife and kids. And lots and lots of bass.

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Bachelor

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