Because he's not the typical Bachelor (read the press notes, people, if you're not as convinced as I now am), Guiney Love has to call attention to the fact that this is where he pulls one of the girls aside. "Here's where I do something totally uncomfortable. Brooke, I'm gonna take you back and we're gonna talk." Krazy-Eyes? Of all the people. Kelly Jo is still laughing audibly at the 7-11 material because she didn't understand ANY of it, but Meredith confessionalizes that she was "surprised" when Bob chose Krazy-Eyes to have sixteen private seconds with. Guiney Love and Krazy-Eyes make their way down a flight of stairs and then aft (I think? I want to pretend Life of Pi taught me things about boats or literature -- and I know my opinions on this are widely documented elsewhere -- but I guess it didn't), where they sit and strategize the part where she doesn't win. Bob tells her that he wanted to have some time to talk to her alone, and then tells us that he wanted some time to talk to her alone. Guiney Love confessionalizes, "Because Brooke's a little bit quieter than everyone else, I really wanted to get to know her better." And we cut back aft (port? Stern? Boatifically?) to find out that Bob actually meant "I wanted to get to know better her thoughts about how groovy I am." Krazy-Eyes opens up, "I love the way that you're close with your family." Bob tells us that he does love his family, and Krazy-Eyes tells us in confessional, "Bob's amazing. And Bob is the guy you want to be with for the rest of your life." Don't you second-person me with your hypno-eyes, you wicked sorceress. Through all this, Bob has a hand on Krazy-Eyes's leg, and his cuffs are folded back just once, allowing a silver bracelet to dangle casually at the end of his wrist. I wonder if that piece of jewelry has a secret compartment that dispenses Drakkar Noir, should he need to firm up his "South Hoboken, 1987" aesthetic that made it all the way over to central California.

Back on the main level (now THAT is a technical seafaring term if ever I've heard one) of the boat, Bob has long since reappeared, crying, "I've never been so cold in my life, actually." Someone suggests that they all "huddle," and Bob's harem closes in on him accommodatingly. Back before the date, Kelly Jo confessionalizes, "There's supposed to be five girls on this date with Bob, and, unfortunately, Antoinette did get ill and she wasn't able to join us. She's missing out on something that's pretty big." We know who the date was with. Why does everyone insist on saying Bob's name over and over again? And why does he feel the need to match them, equaling every instance of them saying "Bob" with him saying "I"? And why was Antoinot chosen to go on the first date when she would be capable of going on any other date besides that one, balancing out the five-on-each-date principle so pivotal to the show's existence? And, most importantly, what do you think of the title of Bob's upcoming bestselling book The Devil Wears Bob? Or his postmodern tome The Crying of Bob 49? Or his slim volume of poetry, The Bob Not Taken? Or his play, Bob? Y'know, instead of Hamlet?