Bachelor
The Chris/Miss Party

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Djb: C- | Grade It Now!
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No Chris is Good Chris

Props to Wing and Sars.

The kicky, strummy, acoustic, just-hanging-around- my-SoCal-manse- with-my-man- and-also-fourteen- other-girls-who- think-he's-their- man-too-oh- and-also-there's- a-host-to- streamline-the- proceedings-and- also-incidentally- ten-camera-crews strains of "The Bachelor Theme Rag" kick it up on the soundtrack early this week. Man, I love it when they go acoustic. I think Fat Amy covered this song when they were on Unplugged in the Featuring Musicians Of Questionable Repute Who Should've Stuck To Entertaining Us In The Way We Were Already Used To edition, right after a solemn rendition of Eddie Murphy's "(My Girl Wants to) Party all the Time" and "Let's Go Mets," the 1986 team theme song, sung by...the New York Mets! And you know, you may once have thought it was just a dumb stadium anthem, but there's really nothing like hearing that song acoustic to bring out its full chordal texture.

Can you tell yet that nothing happened this week? I'm going on strike until they bring back Amber from last season and make her stumble around the mansion like she's doped up or dying or something.

We join the action in progress, Chris "Steven Again- With-The-Same- Exact-Spiel-Berg" Harrison standing in the living room, practicing for his Model Congress finals to no one in particular: "Ladies, welcome." Thanks, Chris. But I'm actually a guy, which sometimes comes up as a matter of debate around here, so thanks for clouding the issue even further. "As you've probably noticed, unfortunately, only fourteen of you moved in this morning." A smattering of panicked faces pass before the camera, none poutier and blanker than the vacant face of Lanah, who you can practically see telegraphing the message, "No wonder when I counted the girls in the living room, I finished usin' all my fingers, and then when I started with the toes, the little one didn't get to go wee wee wee all the way home!" That was a run-on way for me to call them all really dumb. And say, Chris, where is that fifteenth little piggy, anyway? "Antoinette fell seriously ill. She was rushed to the emergency room, and right now she's undergoing a battery of tests." The looks of the ladies become even more grave and concerned. Mary's eyes seem to ask, "Battery? You mean like the thing that made my last three boyfriends work?" But then, her grasp on English, not so much. Chris wishes Antoinette "a speedy recovery," and speaks for himself and for Next Entertainment's Please Don't Sue Us For Dying On The Show Department when he press conferences, "Hopefully, she'll be back with you very soon." In the spirit of continued competition and gamesmanship, the girls don't give a crap. Nothing like a little death to thin out the herd a little, am I right? ["If this were any other group of humans, Antoinette's removal from the scene would make them all eat cake. But I'm sure no one in this crowd has touched a carb since '99." -- Wing Chun]

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