Bachelor
The Chris/Miss Party

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Djb: C- | Grade It Now!
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No Chris is Good Chris

Limo stock footage. "Today," Antoinot tells us, "I'm going into the house for the first time because I just got back from the hospital." She worries that she's an "outsider" coming in, and you can see from Estella's -- I think -- high-pitched "Hiiiiii-eeee!" that it's going to be one mighty big pain in the ass for them all to revise the Vegas odds back up to "out of 15." Mary comes running down the hall and gives Antoinot a giant bear hug, osteoporosis-ridden limbs crunching from a long lifetime of general use, and then she pinches Antoinot's cheeks and cries "I haven't seen you since you were THIS BIG!" before offering Antoinot some hard candies from her purse and telling her, "Put on a sweater, I'm freezing just looking at you." Because those are all things old people do. Antoinot is temporarily feeling the warm embrace of those who save face by pretending to love her, but the remaining girls waste no time before telling her, "Your date was today" and "You should be in San Fran right now." Zouch. Way to make her feel at home, people. Antoinot tells us, "I'm kind of bummed out that, y'know, I didn't get my date. I want to be in San Francisco with Bob right now." Why don't we go for you and tell you how it is?

We're back. It sucked.

Oh, very well. We'll stay.

Kicking it on a cable car because that's what you do in San Francisco, we're back up in the frozen north to find Bob, his four ladies, and one absent diseased pair of kidneys (still in L.A.) poised on the brink of sixteen Rice-a-Roni jokes that Bob stops me from making by making one himself. Onto the cable car steps a jolly old man who the subtitle tells us is, "Willie L. Brown, Jr.," Mayor of San Francisco. The girls SQUEEEEE like he's, I don't know, Bob Guiney or something, and Bob asks, "Is that Mr. Mayor?" This is so odd. The salty old mayor makes a quick, weird cameo, climbing aboard and opening with a joke, "Boy, I'd like to switch spots with you!" It's just occurred to me that I've never heard anyone say that to me before. Anyone? Djb For A Day? Sigh. Bob deems the whole thing "a perfect San Francisco treat. And I do love Rice-a-Roni, by the way." Ew. Someone who must have eschewed the carbs some months back has a big box of free on its way to his Michigan home right now. The Mayor finishes off his don't-recall-me-too campaign with a pitch for his town: "Have a good time at the Top of the Mark. You really haven't lived until you drink up there." And with that sales pitch for high-altitude alcoholism (not seen since Andrew's aged mother drank her family back into the tire business and yelled "Born in Cleveland!" in the hills of Napa on last season's finale), Mayor Kool is gone from the cable car to hop back in his MayorMobile for afternoon appearances on So I Married An Axe Murderer, girls club, and, if he can find a syndication wormhole in time, whichever of Too Close for Comfort or One Day at a Time was the one that took place in San Francisco.

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