Bachelor
The Season 17 Finale

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It Seems Like There's A Hole In My Dreams

The lies start immediately, with Chris Harrison telling us that tonight is a "live three-hour event," which is only one-third true, but then OH WAIT Chris Harrison is hosting a live event to kick off the finale. Anyway, he tells us there's some "late-breaking news" about Sean's quest for love that is a "Bachelor first" that "very well could provide" -- sure you've got enough qualifiers there? -- one of the most the most beautiful moments in Bachelor history. And then he waits for the audience's spontaneous "oohs" and it takes them a moment to realize what they're supposed to do. Then he asks who is rooting for Catherine and who is rooting for Lindsay, and for obvious reasons he doesn't ask who is rooting for dignity and intelligence.

And now over to Chiang Rai, and I presume some of the dumber members of the audience might think this is live too. Sean greets his family, who has been kidnapped to Thailand too for a "long-overdue reunion," and he's really excited for his family to meet his two co-stars. I mean, "girlfriends." He assures his family they're both hilarious and fun to be around. Hell, why not marry both of them!

They're meeting Catherine first, and his mom cops to being nervous, since this is a serious decision to make. Well, I'm sure she's reassured by her son's decision to be on the show for a second time.

His mom tells him that she thinks if he's about to propose, then he must really have already narrowed it down to one. "You would think that, but I don't. Logically you would think that," he says. But he is obligated to carry on the notion that he is actually in love with two women. He hilariously appears to be slightly pissed at his mom for trying to introduce "logic" into this brain-dead exercise. "Be cool," his furrowed brow tells her. "Play along."

Catherine shows up, and everyone hugs, and she can't imagine what she'll feel like if things go wrong. You'll be relieved to know she's "falling in love" with Sean. Everyone sits down to supper, and Catherine reveals she played football in sixth grade. Fortunately for her potential husband and his decades-old image of gender roles and positions of dominance in male-female relationships, she broke her arm and her mom wouldn't let her play football anymore (but let her be a cheerleader).

Sean's mom sits down with Catherine and asks her when she knew that Sean could be the one. Catherine says she used to write him notes, and then in the third week he wrote her back, or some stupid shit like that that makes zero sense. If he did "pop the question," she asks Catherine, is she "on board" with that? Tough question! Catherine is, of course, and she spouts the same tired "Sean is a combination of Jesus-Mother Theresa-Gandhi" routine and explains that Sean validates her as a person or something.

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