Episode Report Card
Daniel: D | Grade It Now!
Roz for Termination

Much thanks to Angel for covering last week's episode, which means I got to dodge the first-episode bullets. Here's what I missed recapping: trying to keep track of all the women's names, even the ones who bought the same boobs from the same doctor; the one episode that includes the token non-white contestant, although this time we can assume that Jake didn't keep her not because she wasn't white but because she busted out the pubic-hair innuendo a little early; and all the stupid cutesy gimmicks the women use to try to make themselves stand out when they meet Jake for the first time. Of course, since I'm such a dedicated recapper, I watched the episode anyway so I would have some idea what was to come in episode two. This marks the first time ever that I watched The Bachelor without getting paid for it. I'm the most altruistic recapper ever!

Chris Harrison bellows at all the women to come in to the common room and asks them what they think of the place, and they squeal as they express just how awesome the bachelorette pad is, and I'm assuming part of the attraction is the VD/boob job clinic next door. He also lies to them and tells them that thousands of women wanted to date Jake.

Chris lays out the rules, like they don't already know how it works, and he advises the women to take advantage of their time with Jake, since not everyone will get dates every week. And he's got the first group date card, which involves Gia, Rozlyn, Valishia, Corrie, Christina and Ashleigh H. "I wish my name was on that. But that's OK. It's just the first group date," says Michelle, which means she'll postpone going batshit crazy at least for a little while.

"A picture is worth a thousand words," reads the card. Christina has no idea what that means but thinks it's going to be the first date with her future husband. Yeah, imagine telling your children about how your first date with their dad was with a bunch of other reality show fame whores! So then Jake shows up and says last night was the "best night" of his life and says it was the last chapter in his "nice guys finish last" life and I'm starting to wonder if he's trademarked that phrase and gets a royalty every time he says it or something. And he arrives in the house and it's like when the Pope shows up in St. Peter's square. And he takes them all to a hotel in Santa Monica, and I have to say I'm surprised that he's wearing a shirt. He says he thinks the women are going to "freak out" when he explains what's going to be going on. He mentions "cloud nine" and it won't be the first or last time he or someone else says it tonight.

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