Bachelor

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Roz for Termination

So Rozlyn, right in the middle of her one-on-one time with Jake, asks why she's the only person who hasn't had any one-on-one time. Instead of Jake saying that that's because he wasn't sure he could afford her hourly rate, he says something about how he was planning to come see her and calls her a "pro at photos," and the next thing you know, Rozlyn and Jake are sucking face, and she says she's been waiting all day for that.

Then Jake excuses himself, and as he goes to get the rose, he talks about how "really mysterious" Rozlyn is, which is hilarious, and that she's way out of his comfort zone with her. And then there's Christina getting bummed in a voiceover. Rozlyn says she's usually not in a position to "beat up other women" and her "I'm not catty, but I will cut a bitch" spiel lasts forever. Meanwhile, we watch Jake stroll down to pick up the rose and then go all the way back up, only he's not holding it when he gets there, because he's got it stuffed behind his back and then he pulls it out of his ass and gives it to her and she is of course thrilled because it's not every day that a rose covered in fecal matter signifies that you get to continue on a reality show for the non-chance to not-marry a possibly not-even-straight bachelor, after all. Rozlyn says she thinks the other women were surprised by how forward she was. They haven't seen anything yet, turns out.

The next morning, the women are still talking about the necklace, because apparently the jewelry makes this all the more real, instead of much less real. They're still waiting to find out who gets to wear the necklace. I mean, "date Jake." The card arrives, and it's Ali, who I liked a lot more before she actually started fucking CRYING when she finds out she gets to go on the date with Jake. "I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world," she tells us. "Come fly with me," is what the card says. What could that possibly be about? Michelle looks much less than impressed, especially as she was the one who went screaming to answer the doorbell and got the card that announced the date. So much for her crazy theory about wearing the diamonds.

Jake says he's really glad the date is Ali, which kind of makes it obvious that he doesn't get to pick which women he gets to date. He calls her "beautiful" and "the complete package." Ali tells us she's ready to go anywhere with Jake. They get on a motorcycle, which Ali tells us was her first real interaction with Jake. WHO SHE WOULD GO ANYWHERE WITH, mind you. Naturally, by "interaction" she just means putting her arms around him and feeling his abs. Jake talks about putting Ali "literally" on cloud nine. They're flying, of course, in a little two-seater (although Jake does boast that he could probably fly anything out there). He must feel at home at an airport, because he needs a hangar to park his ego.

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Bachelor

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