Bachelor

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Roz for Termination

So it's time for the next group date, Fortunately Jake has a "special plan" and he's excited that it's these five girls. I'd love to hear him be pissed about the group: "What a bunch of stiffs!"

So the group date is Six Flags, which has been closed for the day so these selfish assholes can have the place to themselves. "Daddy, can we go to Six Flags today?" "No, dear. It's closed so some bimbos can pretend to fall in love with a narcissistic pilot." Well, that makes sense. Ashley says the gates open and they all started running like five-year-olds. Yeah, the whole intense "look how much fun and outgoing we are" routine is getting old (see also: football game in ball gowns.

Back at the bachelorette pad, Michelle is packing her bags, saying that she's not getting any one on one time, so she's leaving. Christina is telling her not to, because she's enough of a dingbat to forget she's competing against crazy Michelle. There is some talking head with Michelle in which she's clearly been crying, and she's rotten to the bachelorettes who are encouraging to stay and give it another shot, including Rozlyn and Tenley. Rozlyn says maybe Jake already knows he wants to keep Michelle, and then she really oversells it by saying Jake told her exactly that. She's clearly lying, and Michelle may be crazy, but that doesn't mean she's dumb. She says if she were on a date with Jake she wouldn't be talking about any other women (true) and Rozlyn has a smirk on her face. Also true. Rozlyn's left speechless.

Back at the amusement park, Elizabeth pulls Jake away for some one-on-one time, steaming Vienna's broccoli in particular. She got to feel how "stacked" he is, which is all she needs to know that they have more of a connection than he does with the other women. Naturally, the rest of the women have nothing better to talk about than Jake and Elizabeth, who are canoodling over by one of those rigged carnival games. Elizabeth has written Jake a note. She's always "written notes" to explain how she feels. "It's naked and it's natural and it's me." Elizabeth is quite pretty, but I imagine that being naked would expose some of her unnaturalness.

And then instead of giving the note to Jake to read, Elizabeth reads it out loud (probably a request from the producers) and it consists of a long rambling speech about how he shouldn't kiss her unless she's the last one. I'll spare you the details, but will say there's nothing in there that any 12-year-old couldn't have come up while doodling hearts around pictures of Robert Pattinson. Jake tells us he thinks that's pretty sweet because he's an old-fashioned guy, except for the part where he'll kiss anyone of the 25 women that he is auditioning to share the rest of his television career. I mean "life." I'm half surprised that the note doesn't read "Do you like me? Check one: Yes. No."

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Bachelor

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