Bachelor

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Roz for Termination

Jake loves how well the date's going, and he promises the women that he's saving the biggest surprise for last, which presumably will not mean that the cast and crew of this are all arrested and put in jail for life for cultural crimes against humanity.

Oh god, then he tells us that these girls can behave like they're "twelve years old" and it's such a "great sight to see" which we can only hope was intended less creepily than it comes out.

So then Vienna is cuddling up with Jake for some one-on-one time, and she confesses that she was engaged to her pastor's son when she was in high school. And they were together for four years, and she decided she wasn't ready to get married, so she broke it off, and a month later the pastor's son was getting married and having a kid. And so then her response was, at 18, to elope with some other dude, and then she was signing divorce papers four months later.

And she's bawling her eyes out while Ashley comes over with margaritas to starts talking about her PhD and I really want to know what kind of bullshit PhD this idiot is getting. Will her dissertation consist of her saying "like" every third word? Jake's not all that into her, and only kissed her on the cheek. "How could he not want to kiss me?" she says, really brightly. Is she on meth?

And now it's time to give out the rose, and Jake says he's giving it to someone who really opened up, even though he still has a lot of questions and exploring to do. Vienna's pissed, because she really thought crying her eyes out about her failed engagement and marriage at 18 would make Jake like her more. Jake says he thinks Elizabeth is intriguing (read: "she's the hottest one there") and wants to know more about a woman who can resist kissing his studly self.

We all know that it's just a ploy, though. "I am playing so hard to get because that's what I deserve," Elizabeth tells us, whatever that's supposed to mean. Are women STILL reading The Rules? That sounds suspiciously like The Rules.

Then they go off to snuggle after Jake tells the other women that he has a "special surprise" for Elizabeth and he'll see them later. Elizabeth asks him if he wants to kiss her, and he says he does, and she says she wants to too, and it's only when she hesitates that he pretends he's going to respect her decision, and then he starts french-kissing her forehead and then fireworks go off. I guess the fireworks are the surprise, and not his penis. The rest of the psychos in the limousine are pissed off that they didn't get roses as they drive away, bitching about Elizabeth, and the amusement park staff gets overtime to hose off and disinfect the rides.

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Bachelor

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