Episode Report Card
Daniel: D | Grade It Now!
Roz for Termination

Cocktail party time. I will say this: this might be one of the better-looking groups of bachelorettes I've seen. Most aren't even cross-eyed! Vienna blathers about people not being here for the right reasons, and Rozlyn tells us she's got a rose, beeyotch! Jake strolls into the room in his suit, and he toasts the women. Jake tells us he has no clue who's going home tonight, because the producers haven't told him yet. I mean, "he hasn't decided yet." He says he's going to follow his heart. At this point, I'll remind everyone that his heart has led him to Rozlyn.

And then Jake brings out a rinky-dink cupcake for Ella, because it's her birthday, and I'd just like to ask how low are a person's standards have to be to make that enough to qualify Jake as an "amazing man." She mentions being on "cloud nine." And they talk about Ella's son, who of course wants to be a pilot. Jake says he's got the little plane, that Ella gave him supposedly on behalf of her son, back at his place.

Then Jake is talking to Tenley and he tells that he thinks she must have had a "good and successful dating history" like WHAT DOES THAT MEAN and she talks about having her share of heartbreaks and in a talking-head she laments the fact that she chickened out of telling him that she was divorced. She looks like she was just about to, and got nervous.

Meanwhile, Michelle is laying out an ultimatum that Jake better come for some one-on-one time with her, otherwise she's leaving at the rose ceremony. She decides she'll probably tell Jake about how she packed her bags, because she doesn't want any of the rest of the hos running their mouths. Jake strolls in, saying hi to everyone, and Michelle gives a humorless "We were just talking about you" line reading to Jake, who takes his cue to pretend like that's why he's here now, to whisk her away for some one on one time, pissing off Vienna, who says Michelle is "Debbie Downer" whenever Jake isn't around but all happy when he is. Hee! All right, I like Vienna a little more.

And then there's Michelle who, if Jake has any kind of brain, is earning her own trip home by confessing that she was already packing her bags because she didn't go on a date. "I don't want you to leave," says Jake, who is doing Michelle no favors by pretending she's got any kind of shot. And in the middle of things, some other dingbat shows up to steal Jake, and Michelle stares her to pieces before allowing Jake to leave. She's clearly about to tell the other woman to take a hike, then thinks better of it.

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