So here's the annual Test of Just How Much One Recapper Can Endure, also known as The Women Tell All. We start off with a full seven minutes of previously on/coming up scenes -- and note to ABC: when networks say "coming up right now" it generally doesn't mean that you immediately go to commercials, although I think it's probably best not to complain about commercials. I can say in all honesty that I would sooner watch two straight hours of commercials than this.
So as I said to the doctor right before my flexible sigmoidoscopy: let's get this over with.
Chris Harrison is greeted by the cheering studio audience. I want to know their stories. Are they watching ironically? Actually going to a studio for this taping would suggest that this is about more than shits and giggles. "What a great season it's been so far," says Harrison, because I guess he interrupted a Wire marathon to tape this show.
Let's get Jason's side of the story, shall we? Chris tells Jason that "America" has "really fallen in love" with him. I don't live in America, but I'm pretty sure I know that's not true. For some reason, the first bachelorette that Chris asks Jason about is Megan, and we reminisce about being on the set of General Hospital and Megan shoved her tongue down his throat like her tongue was diabetic and his uvula was insulin. Jason says something about rolling with it because he doesn't want to make anyone feel horrible (which is completely at odds with appearing on this show, you know). Jason says he could feel "claws and heat" when he was kissing bachelorettes in front of other bachelorettes.
Then Chris and Jason talk about all the bachelorettes losing their shit on him at the after party, like with Shannon sneezing snot all over her hands and then going in for an awkward kiss, and we talk about her being likeable and a sweetheart, and I missed the part where the word "stalker-ish" was used.
Then there's Stephanie clotheslining her daughter like a defensive lineman, and Jason talks about the date being awesome and all the "clouds aligning," which is a new one on me, and then Jason calls himself "incredible" for helping Stephanie get over her dead husband.
What's next? Naomi's batshit family with their hula hoops and dove burials. "What is someone supposed to say when that's happening?" asks Jason, rhetorically. I have an answer, though: you say, "That's it. I'm done."