So as I said to the doctor right before my flexible sigmoidoscopy: let's get this over with.
Chris Harrison is greeted by the cheering studio audience. I want to know their stories. Are they watching ironically? Actually going to a studio for this taping would suggest that this is about more than shits and giggles. "What a great season it's been so far," says Harrison, because I guess he interrupted a Wire marathon to tape this show.
Let's get Jason's side of the story, shall we? Chris tells Jason that "America" has "really fallen in love" with him. I don't live in America, but I'm pretty sure I know that's not true. For some reason, the first bachelorette that Chris asks Jason about is Megan, and we reminisce about being on the set of General Hospital and Megan shoved her tongue down his throat like her tongue was diabetic and his uvula was insulin. Jason says something about rolling with it because he doesn't want to make anyone feel horrible (which is completely at odds with appearing on this show, you know). Jason says he could feel "claws and heat" when he was kissing bachelorettes in front of other bachelorettes.
Then Chris and Jason talk about all the bachelorettes losing their shit on him at the after party, like with Shannon sneezing snot all over her hands and then going in for an awkward kiss, and we talk about her being likeable and a sweetheart, and I missed the part where the word "stalker-ish" was used.
Then there's Stephanie clotheslining her daughter like a defensive lineman, and Jason talks about the date being awesome and all the "clouds aligning," which is a new one on me, and then Jason calls himself "incredible" for helping Stephanie get over her dead husband.
What's next? Naomi's batshit family with their hula hoops and dove burials. "What is someone supposed to say when that's happening?" asks Jason, rhetorically. I have an answer, though: you say, "That's it. I'm done."
Jillian? "I'm not saying there wasn't any passion with Jillian, but there wasn't enough for a marriage," says Jason, and Chris brings up the hot tub sex scene and says "Cinemax called," and adds that he didn't watch it himself because he was too embarrassed. You hear that, Jason? You know you've hit a low when the host of The Bachelor is too embarrassed for something.
Then there was the tent date with Molly, with Chris demanding to know what happened in the tent, and then Jason is saying "whoa, easy, buddy!" and says they really only had three hours together, and Chris says "Three hours of sex is a lot!" and Jason insists it was really innocent, and Chris wants to put it in baseball terms, and Jason claims it was only first base.
Next up: "The great moments that people didn't get to see." There were "great moments"? Why didn't they show, you know, ANY of them? Well, there's Jason on a horse on his hometown date with Naomi, and the horse is all, "You are NOT putting me on The Motherfucking Bachelor," and spins around until Jason jumps off. And there's Jason golfing with Molly and losing, and the bet was that the loser had to take his or her pants off, and Jason lost and stripped down to his boxers, and unfortunately we don't see them getting chased off the course.
After yet another rehash of Ty's tantrum that forced Jason to stay up with Melissa. And then we go back to General Hospital for a "very Shakespearean" (so says Harrison) improv scene that -- well, obviously if it had been any good they'd have found room for it during that actual episode.
Oh, god, we're back to the date with Molly, where for some reason Jason wrote a rap and rapped it at her, or towards her, or whatever. "Your eyes are so amazing, when we talk it's like stargazing." I am as white a person as you will ever meet, but Jason makes me look like Biggie, for reals. "We know from The Bachelorette that you suck, why do it again?" asks Chris. Seriously! I -- oh, he just means rapping-wise, not in general-wise. "DJ Jay is done," says Jason.
Then there's Molly and Jason making out in a bathtub, and then the jets were making these gurgling noises? Was that really the jets, or was that you, asks Harrison. It was really the jets, says Jason. Fascinating.
"What really goes on in the fantasy suite?" asks Harrison, and Jason asks if he asks everybody that question. "People really want to know!" claims Harrison. No one with a life does, Harrison. Of that I am quite sure. He says it's all about getting to know someone with cameras around, but other than that, he's not going to say. Of course he isn't. Can you imagine? "Jillian? I hit that twice."