Bachelor
The Women Tell All

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With Friends Like You, Who Needs Friends?
After a blessed commercial break, Harrison starts talking about previous matches on the show, and tries on some bullshit about how "some stay together, some don't" and shouldn't it actually be "Trista and Ryan stayed together, nobody else did"? Because you know this is the annual update on these two. Man, does this show need Trista and Ryan, so they can say, "See? This show works!" The audience is applauding the mention of Trista and Ryan and baby number two being on the way, because maybe, just maybe, Trista and Ryan will be watching this and say, "I like the enthusiastic way that woman claps. Let's make her our friend."

So it's off to Vail, Colo., where Ryan is still a firefighter who just got promoted to lieutenant, and their kid is adorable, plus they're expecting a daughter in a few months. Trista says she thinks the girl will have Ryan wrapped around her little finger. Then there's Ryan testifying to "how wonderful" his life is. "It's as close to a dream come true as I could imagine," he says, like how weird that he doesn't just say, "It's a dream come true"?

Want to know who Trista thinks Jason should pick? No? Well, anyway, she picks Melissa.

Surprisingly, Ryan's poetry career has stalled, only he wrote one for Max that was supposed to be about his impending sister, so it was really weird the line about "wanting to get back in" the womb, because it was kind of like that one line about men spending the first nine months of their existence trying to get out, and then the rest of their lives trying to get back in.

And then Trista and Ryan talk about finding love and, oh, I don't know, magical rainbow puppy dog heart feathers, for all I know.

Harrison would like to inform me that the idea that Trista and Ryan are the only successful Bachelor/Bachelorette couple is a "misconception," because Charlie "found love" with Sarah, but then they broke up, but recently got back together, and I assume "got back together" means "they want to get a slice of the Trista and Ryan pie and we're only too happy to oblige them."

Anyway, they're here tonight to tell us all about it. Can you believe the luck? Can you believe that they were available? The two of them come out, and Harrison calls it "bizarre" to see them again, like nice thing to say, and he asks them to "catch us up to date." So they dated off and on for a year or two, then were off for about a year, and then have been back together for about a year now. True story! So what happened? Sarah says it was mainly due to Charlie's drinking and how she didn't "appreciate it and respond well to it." "I thought it was keeping us together!" jokes Charlie, and it's really sweet that he can make light of his relationship-destroying alcoholism, and then he says he hasn't had a drink in over two years (which would put his sobriety right around the time he broke up with Sarah, if their timeline is accurate).

So what brought them back together? She went to a Halloween party, and saw someone in a Garfield costume, and she instinctively knew it was him, and then -- and this is her telling the story, I remind you -- she went over to him and then apparently stood there with her mouth hanging open, and then she doesn't even know what happened but they went home together that night. Drunken booty call! Harrison laughs uproariously and calls that "outstanding!"

Harrison tries not to pin them down to a wedding date, which is good, because Charlie says they're "working on the relationship" and there "could" be an engagement, and there "may" be a family, and I really resent these two scrabbling for another fifteen minutes of fame, and the show itself for passing off their drunken booty-call of a relationship as a "successful" match for The Bachelor.

My god, there have been fourteen seasons of this nonsense? Harrison is going to let us find out what happens when the cameras "stop rolling." And he does this by showing us footage. I don't think Chris Harrison thinks we know what "stop rolling" means. Anyway, it looks like bachelors and bachelorettes from various seasons like to get together and have parties and fuck each other. For free! And someone who I don't know who it is (Amy, it turns out) says she heard rumours of a threesome. Yeah, well, if we're throwing out rumours in a sorry attempt at titillation, I heard rumours of an orgy! And then there's Shayne saying, "Like what the [bleep] were you thinking?" only we have no fucking clue in regards to what. And apparently Holly and Robert were dating, only he got "super creepy" on her, according to Holly herself, and then she was dating Jesse. You know, Jesse? The guy DeAnna passed over Jason for in the season RIGHT BEFORE THIS ONE? Jesse's moved on, apparently, and he's really happy, and Holly wants to inform all the ladies that Jesse is taken, to which all the ladies respond, "Actually, we're good, thanks."

Then Amy is telling us that Chelsea "supposably [sic]" posed for Playboy which she thinks is probably true because she's super-hot. And then Robert makes a joke about everybody in their cast picking up ten copies, and I'd really appreciate Mr. Pink Popped Polo Collar Robert keeping his fucking masturbation strategies to himself from now on. And Brian loved Amanda, who loved Graham (who was into Holly), and apparently Fred and Noelle are together, and I'd just like to say that all of these people should have paternity testing centres on speed-dial. "I love Noelle. I love her with all my heart," says Fred. "I totally love that guy!" says Noelle. They've even met each other's families! They seem genuinely happy. "We are reality show rejects that fell in love," says Noelle. Heh.

Speaking of reality show rejects, here are some of the roseless women from earlier this season. I'd actually forgotten about some of these ones. Renee? Sharon? Kari? How are these "some of the most memorable women"? Isn't this just all of them? Harrison says they're in the midst of "one of the most amazing seasons" which is partly because of who Jason is, and Harrison needles Shannon about knowing a lot about Jason, and she says she felt like she already knew him, and laughs really nervously, and I hate to tell her that she STILL comes off stalker-ish.

I don't remember this Jackie person. Are we sure she was actually on the show? Is it possible that the show is playing a trick on us? I don't believe this Jackie person was there. I call bullshit.

Then for some reason we're forced to watch some "highlights" from early episodes. I don't know why the show does this. All that winds up happening is we're reminded about how indistinguishable one season is from the next. I guess the "benefit" is watching the picture-in-picture of the bachelorettes watching themselves get cut down by the other women. This show makes all women seem like scheming emotional backstabbing messes. We revisit the tension between Megan and Erica, which is kind of like revisiting the time you got your wisdom teeth pulled out. And remember when Lauren threw them under the bus? Well, Lauren calls it "loyalty." To who? Jason? How'd that work out for you? And then Erica is obnoxiously defending her behaviour and Natalie steps in to complain about getting a little bit of fun poked at her, only to find out that people didn't actually like her. Harrison asks Stephanie what she thinks of all the "cattiness," and she says she tries to see the positive in everything, whatever that's supposed to mean.

Now Natalie's in the hot seat, doing her best to pretend that she's not a shallow jewelry-obsessed dingbat. When Harrison brings up the million-dollar necklace and how it was too bad she and the necklace went home on separate flights, she curtly says, "I don't like jewelry, so it's OK," and then Harrison asks for her arm, on which she has enough bracelets to deflect bullets, like Wonder Woman. Some great old clips: like Natalie saying she doesn't want to be stereotyped because of her appearance. Maybe the camera adds ten pounds of unattractiveness? Natalie never did it for me. Even less so now, with her in damage

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