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Touched by a Bachelor

Oh, god, why? This is the point of the season I always regret doing this show: the Woman Tell All (That They Are Allowed Legally, As Long As They Don't Make Themselves Look Too Bad In The Process).

Chris Harrison comes out to an audience made up mostly of empty, broken women applauding furiously. He reminds us all of Rozlyn's dalliance with a staffer, and then tells us that "all of America" is waiting to find out who Jake picks. How can he look us in the face and lie like that? Oh, right: because no one actually hearing him say that is in any position to refute it.

And here's Chris sitting down to recap with Jake (in a previous interview) the stuff that's gone on. Because god knows there is never enough rehashing on this show. The flashbacks to the Rozlyn affair (and all the flashbacks) have this fuzzy filter on them, because we are all morons who need a visual cue to differentiate between what happened already and what's happening now. Harrison reminds Jake of how awesomely manly he was to insist on being in the room when Harrison told the other bachelorettes what happened with Rozlyn. Jake agrees that the whole incident strengthened his resolve, and opts for the third person to emphasize it: "Jake is not here for an adventure, and he's going to find the girl he's going to marry."

Then we revisit Elizabeth's "don't kiss me" strategy, which Jake says he respects, as he's been to weddings of friends where the bride and groom kiss for the first time. I think it's sweet that they tell people that, and that Jake believes them. It was Elizabeth's game-playing that Jake had a problem with. In the context of Elizabeth, explain to me the difference? It was a game from the get-go to her.

We spend way more time than necessary on the nauseating games Elizabeth was playing, and then move on to Vienna and Jake overcoming their fears of bungee-jumping on camera, which sparked a relationship. So basically, if Jake's relationship with Vienna on The Bachelor is World War I, then the bungee-jump was the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

And then there's Tenley, who's so boring that the leadoff memory is of their stupid fortunes that they wrote themselves for their stupid fortune cookies. Harrison asks if it really happened that they wrote the same fortune, like Harrison thinks only geniuses could have come up with something as amazing as "kiss me" or something.

And then there's Ali, who Jake says was asking him to make the decision for her over whether to stay or go. "I just didn't feel I could make a decision like that for her," Jake says, when it's more accurate to say that he felt entirely comfortable making that decision for her, and that he didn't feel comfortable appearing to feel comfortable making that decision for her. He all but TOLD her that she should leave her job to stay. He also claims that Ali left in love with him, and he was in love with her. That means he's either a) lying, or b) an idiot, and either scenario is as good an illustration of why this show is such a waste of two hours a week and is in no way a reasonable way to find love (no matter how Ali will defend it later).

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