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Daniel: D | Grade It Now!
Touched by a Bachelor

Then it's the blooper reel. Harrison sings "On the wings of love," and makes stewardess gestures, and Jake running in the shower, and Tenley hiding in a trunk to scare Gia, and Ali cracking up about something in an interview, and Corrie clearing the room with a fart, and then a bunch of flamingos ruining a dinner with Ella, and a car full of women recognizing Jake on a date with Ali, and Ashleigh flipping the bird. "Can you put this on TV?" she asks. Ashleigh: a constant study in elegance!

Harrison says he knows Jake can't reveal details, but is he happy with his decision? "Yes, I'm very happy," says Jake. Note: Harrison didn't ask if Jake was engaged.

And it's the Vienna and Tenley montages. Jake says he initially thought Vienna was a risky choice, because she's "young, blunt and intense." And hey, did you know that bungee-jumping was great for them as a couple? Jake certainly thinks so. And despite all the other women talking shit, he just woke up with an epiphany that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, which is true enough, I suppose. So Jake's falling for her, and Vienna says she's falling for him and have been waiting her whole life for someone like this. And then there is much talk of perfect matches.

And now it's Tenley's turn. Jake says they had an "immediate connection" which, as always, means, "She's real purty." Oh, what a surprise, Tenley's talking about her divorce. What odds! "Being with Jake gives me butterflies, makes my heart race," says Tenley. Dammit, she's just so nice, I can't be too mean to her. Although I giggle every time I hear her tell Jake that he makes her "heart smile." Jake says, "I want to commit to this girl and see where this relationship can go," which isn't exactly something you say about someone you're definitely ready to marry someone, is it?

In one week's time: the finale! Fortunately for me, I will be in the process of selling my house and driving cross-country, so someone else will be looking after it. Whether I even watch will have more to do with cable reception at whichever of Canada's fine motels I am in on the Monday night. Thanks for reading.

Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He thinks that sending in the last recap of a Bachelor season is about as close as he'll ever get to knowing what getting out of jail feels like. Follow him on Twitter or email him at danieljdaniel[at]

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