And then the broadcast cuts out for a test pattern, like even the local affiliate is doing its best to keep this travesty from the public.
After the commercials, Harrison introduces a "sexy new phenomenon," which is Bachelor cast reunions. Is this more of a new phenomenon than they last time they had a montage of these people getting together for drunken hookup parties? Also, please shoot me if I ever use the phrase "sexy new phenomenon" in all sincerity.
We're going to hear from these people? Someone named Erica claims that someone named Desiree goes both ways, because she was grabbing her boobs. And then because she was really judgmental she decides to go to school to be a judge? And now she has a crystal gavel? And by "judge" she apparently means "sleep with as many guys as she can and then rate them"? I'm confused. What is going on here? And then there was someone who I don't remember who didn't get married and now she's happier, or perhaps she learned some valuable life lessons, or maybe she is now addicted to meth, or whatever. There have apparently been many seasons of this show that I have not watched. I get the sense that most of these people are from recent seasons, because presumably the people from earlier seasons are grown up and embarrassed about this shit, or perhaps they're just old and now ugly and therefore unfit to be on The Bachelor.
And now we are on a boat, and Darling Nikki, from Jason's season, has decided she's going to be a bad girl (baby, have we got a Prince song for you). And then there's Natalie telling Jason all about how much she loves bears. And can I just point out that the music used for flashbacks of the dumb moments is a lot more wacky than the self-serious music used on original broadcasts? And someone says Natalie's hooking up with everybody, which she denies. And then Wes talks about how people "love to hate" him, and then justifies that hate by claiming that his love life, "which didn't suck" before, is now a thousand times more awesome.
Kiptyn makes me sad by talking about his "new family" and Kurt Russell, I mean Sean, thinks everyone is going to be best buds forever. I think it's a good idea to keep in touch with everyone, because it makes it easier when the doctor asks you to phone all your former sexual partners with bad news.
"As you can tell, the quest for fame never stops," says Harrison. Oh, wait, he said the "quest for love" never stops.
Harrison says this season The Bachelor has become one of the most talked-about shows on television. "With great success comes a greater obligation to give back," Harrison tells us, introducing a sweet segment about people from The Bachelor working with a charity called Portraits of Hope, which involves painting lifeguard stations or whatever. And then that woman DeAnna hits on some poor kid named Carlos who tells her that she'll be too old for him to date when he grows up, when he's probably too polite to tell her that she needs to shut up once in a while about how much Brad hurt her. And then there's Harrison at some secondary school in Saint Lucia that has now apparently been touched by The Bachelor in some way. "The Bachelor tries to give back whenever we can," Harrison tells us after we watch him give a check for Haiti relief to Ellen DeGeneres. Ten-thousand dollars. Well, it's more than I gave.