Bachelor

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Touched by a Bachelor

And there's Shayne at some sort of food charity, and the details are really starting to blend together in terms of how awesome The Bachelor is in terms of fixing the world's problems, and then Juan tells us that charity work is definitely part of the "man code" so he's doing his best. And you kind of have to think about it and then you think, "Oh, yeah, the man code. Forgot all about it because IT'S SO STUPID AND NO ONE CARED THEN, LET ALONE NOW." Someone named "Bettina" says it made her feel good in her heart to feed someone who's hungry. And there's Kiptyn and Michael from Jillian's season encouraging everyone to get involved with stuff like this.

Harrison asks if, when people watch the show, people ever ask "Why would she do that?" and "What was she thinking?" I would say the questioning never stops. Now here's our chance to find out, because here come the women, out to raucous cheers. Why aren't the audience members just holding up signs that say "YOU ARE MY ONLY FRIENDS" and "PLEASE TAKE ME TO YOUR PARTIES"?

Ashley calls Jake "absolutely fabulous" and babbles about Jake lathering up. And then there's Ashleigh admitting that she fake-fell into Jake's arms, like she fooled anybody. Harrison calls them 25 "well-adjusted" women, which may be the funniest thing anyone has ever said on this show.

And then we get the boobs-and-also-Rozlyn montage, which then morphs into the Michelle-might-be-no-fooling-actually-crazy montage, and then the Tenley-is-a-Disney-princess montage. Did Gia just say Tenley shits rainbows? Vienna says Tenley dreams cartoons, which is also pretty funny. Ella calls Elizabeth a "black widow," which is kind of harsh, and then there's Gia talking about Vienna starting drama. So now it's the everybody-hates-Vienna montage, which also doubles as the Ali-and-Ashleigh-need-to-grow-up montage. Ashleigh actually called Vienna a "trailer-trash whore." Because not everyone can be as classy as Ashleigh calling someone a "trailer-trash whore" on national television.

Ashleigh says she regrets saying that, but she said it because she was upset. Oh, well then. Apparently women with "good, strong morals" were being sent home, in favor of Vienna. So you still think Vienna's a whore, you just regret calling her one. Anyway, take it up with Jake! Harrison asks the women what it is that pisses them off about Vienna, and Ella yammers on forever about Vienna being immature (which Jake seems to think is a positive, remember?). Gia sticks up for Vienna by pointing out that Vienna is a good person, and being kind of immature doesn't make her "not worthy of love."

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Bachelor

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