"Well, ladies, it's time for the man you've all been waiting to see," says Harrison, but there must be some confusion because it's Ben Flajnknsinkf who comes out. "Welcome to my nightmare," says the tone-deaf Ben after he sits down.
Let's get right to the questions! Jennifer wants to know why he chose Blakeley over her, and she expects Blakeley to not take offense when she says can't believe Ben was considering taking Blakeley home to meet his family. Ben says some stuff about how he just considered every relationship individually as best he could. And now Emily is talking about closure and I kind of zoned out because Emily's much too good a person to have her name associated with this mess. And then Nicki says the most depressing thing I could imagine, which is that Ben is the best man she has ever met in her entire life, which makes me feel really sorry for Nicki, AND FOR ALL THE MORONS IN THE AUDIENCE WILDLY APPLAUDING, and at this point I'd like to point out that Ben deserves a good chunk of the anger they were all directing at Courtney just a moment ago. The worst he gets is that apparently he's a bad breaker-upper, like, IT'S THE BACHELOR, and then Jamie sashays right under the ridiculously low limbo bar of dignity by starting to cry as she tells Ben how fantastic he is and she offers herself up to him if things don't work out with whoever he chooses. Jamie can't watch this show very often if she bothers to put an "if" on the possibility of things not working out with the final couple.
And now bloopers! Ben gets attacked by a bird while he's on a boat with Lindzi! A dog howls in background while Emily talks. "Someone needs to Cesar Milan his ass," she says. And then my DVR cut out completely, which figures. I mean, why should I get to see any of the bits that make the people on this show seem more likeable and, you know, human?
Although I apparently escaped a discussion of what Jenna meant by sharing a tampon with whatshername, so thank god for small mercies.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. The day before the final episode of a Bachelor season, he likes to watch The Great Escape for some reason. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.