Bachelor
The Women Tell All

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Bartha Barcy Ben Barlene

So we've reached the point in the season where even my DVR is going, "No, seriously, dude, I can't even deal" and is actively refusing to record The Bachelor. I mean sure, it does the thing where since the "The Women Tell All" episode is titled slightly differently that it doesn't automatically record as part of the series recording I have set up, but when I specifically tell it to record tonight's episode specially, it still refuses to do even that. And while normally I would applaud its consideration for my mental well-being, I do have a job to do. And tonight, that job is to watch The Bachelor: The Women Tell All.

Yes, it's the season tradition where the spurned women come back on the show and try to convince everyone that they're not the idiot/drunk/basketcase they appeared to be on the show, and then watch "highlights," which isn't the right word but whatever, of themselves while we watch an inset of them watching themselves as they laugh/weep/gape in horror. And the audience seems to be filled mostly with people who take this shit utterly seriously, the kind of person who I don't believe I've ever had a conversation with and therefore I am not convinced they actually exist, like leprechauns or Icelanders.

Chris Harrison gets a welcome like some kind of goddamn astronaut would, and he leads off with, "Yeah, so why HAS Ben kept that wench Courtney around for so long?" and asks if Courtney is really in love with Ben or if she's just there to win and I think the "she's just there to win" line is one of the dumbest theories in the history of everything, since the "prize" in this case is a marriage proposal from a Neanderthal.

And then he says that in what is "probably" a first for this show, one of the final two will be here. Nice "probably" there, because not even this show gives enough of a shit itself to find out if it's happened before. Anyway, Courtney will be here "to defend herself," Harrison says, and the audience reacts like Oprah just gave them all cars. Then they start dipping their torches in gasoline to get them ready.

But first we watch a bunch of people who were once on this show -- all of whose existences I'd managed to block out until just right now -- and they are dancing and drinking and making out with each other at the Mirage in Vegas. They keep clutching at fame and will not give it up until it's pried from their cold, dead hands. The phrase Bachelor Pad 3 is used, which is as ominous as "Yes, this is your doctor calling. The test results are in -- you'd better come in to the office."

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Bachelor

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