Bachelor
The Women Tell All (Season 2)

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Next, they show some previously unseen clips of Heather cooking for all the women. She cooks quite a bit. She tells us that she's thinking that if the other women keep eating her food, then they may not fit into their fancy dresses anymore. You'd think a beauty queen like herself would be familiar with the slimming magic of bulimia. In the kitchen, Frances jokes that Heather's going to make them all fat. Heather jokes that this is, indeed, her strategy. They repeat Heather's quotes about how this is kind of like a pageant for her, but instead of fighting for a crown, she's fighting for a man. Frightening. The women all toast Heather for cooking for them. Heather jokes that they were still able to get into their dresses that week, so her plan didn't work.

Heather tells us all that she thrives on competition, as we cut to her embarrassingly awkward spa date with Aaron. They replay Heather throwing herself at an uninterested Aaron. They replay Aaron telling us that he didn't see any chemistry with her. We get the picture-in-picture of tonight's Heather, who has this sort of tight-lipped mild grimace, like she's trying not to react to this. They replay that lengthy speech from Heather about seeing the house and the kids and the careers with Aaron. They did a hysterical parody of that very speech on Saturday Night Live, where Rachel Dratch extended it to include Aaron beginning to work late at night and running off to have an affair. Aaron tells us again that they didn't have any chemistry. Heather cries and tells us that she'll be okay, eventually. Once she pops a few percosets and washes them down with tequila.

The audience applauds Heather's delusions. I just realized that Heather is wearing black leather pants. Chris points out that Heather was "in it to win it." Heather says that she did compare it all to a basketball game or a pageant, but insists that she was there to have fun. She says that she didn't expect Aaron to be "of the character that he was," and that she let her guard down. What "character" is she even talking about? The guy is a human cipher. I think that's what some women like about him. He's so blank that it's easy to project their idealized personality traits upon him. He smiles at her, so that means he's charismatic. He kisses her, so that means he's romantic. He cracks a joke once, so that means he's charming and funny. Chris says that Heather seemed rather emotional. She insists that she's not, and jokes that Christi's the emotional one. Foreshadowing and Irony chuckle from the control room and make out a question for one of the audience members to ask later. Heather thinks that she's strong. She's wrong. She's wrong. She says that people are so used to seeing her be "strong," that they don't expect her to have emotions. No, I imagine that they don't expect her to have the type of erratic display of emotions that she exhibits. That's because we tend to assume people are sane until we find out otherwise.

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Bachelor

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