Tina's voice-over offers, "If you want advice from Tina Fabulous, it would be to chill out and look your best at all times." The usual accompanying shots of Tina are all there: Tina at the casino. Tina hurling a football. Tina juggling large pieces of citrus fruit in a black cocktail dress. Wait, what? The other girls -- Liz and some blonde I'll call Audree for the sake of linear recapping -- testify to the inarguable fabulousness of Tina. A quick shot of her intentions is made clear when we see her in the Housa Bitches, taking a big juicy bite from a strawberry and announcing, "Maybe they'll want me for, like, a berry commercial." I wonder if she could pull off that old "Summer fruits, it wouldn't be summer without them" jingle from back in the day. Heh. "Summer fruits." If memory serves, we used to sing that song to Gaylord on the last day of school.
More clips! Andrew tells Tina that he'd be "lucky" to be with her, and she deadpans, "I know." Another blonde (Heather?) tells us that she thinks "Tina Fabulous is too fabulous for him." Kirsten adds her legendary "I'm sorry, I'm gonna be a bitch about this, but she is not that fabulous," and we get one of those boxes at the bottom right corner of the TV screen where the sign language translator should be, but instead it's of Liz giving her reaction shot to that line. As if she hasn't been home every Wednesday, obsessively watching the show and posting her opinions word by crazy word on her own personal website you guys have been nice enough to tell me about. Or, in actual fact, what she's doing is dictating those opinions to a sympathetic relative who types them in in her stead. After all, those tricky clasps in the back of the jacket they bought as her a welcome-home gift can only be undone by a licensed medical professional, and only at meal times or for reunion specials.