Bachelor
The Women Tell All (Season 3)

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Recapping the Recap

Liz approaches the hot seat to thunder-free applause. In the crowd, Amber claps along gamely, all the while wearing an expression that tells us she's not entirely sure who it is that's approaching the seat at the front of room, but she thinks it's possible she once saw her on television. Chris tells us by way of introduction that Liz "seemed to have the hardest time dealing with the pressure of sharing a man." He tells us to sit back and take a look at Liz's "emotional ride." It's a ride, all right. It's an F-ticket emotional roller coaster not appropriate for children under twelve, pregnant women, people with high blood pressure, the lactose intolerant, those with an allergy to gluten, or anyone with a yin for sanity. And for those of you who think you're fine now? Consult a physician in advance. You'll be walking out of here with Lyme Disease from the facial tics.

Shockingly -- even for those of us (read: all of us) who knew her indicator light read "unbalanced load" for the duration of her time on the show -- Liz somehow makes us believe that the editing of the show protected her somehow and made her look more normal than she really is. Which, wow. Because here, truly, she appears unhinged. But first, clips! She meets Andrew and tells us on what I think is the first night that she has feelings for him. Then they're sitting down together outside, and she blathers on, "You're so articulate and intelligent and it comes across and you're so interesting and your life is so interesting and diverse and there are so many things that I feel like I could talk about it for days." Ack! Grammar police, arrest that woman! Jeez, Liz, buy a comma, wouldja? Andrew tells us that Liz's energy is "consuming." Some girl calls her "clingy." Christina calls her "gaga." The normally princess Jen calls Liz "delusional about the situation." Cut from the word "delusional" to Liz standing in the kitchen screeching out a song that goes, "I'm loving you with all of my heart now, baby. I'm loving you with all of my heart" as Kirsten puts her hands over her stomach and stares on in a horror that makes me take her side for the first and only time ever. Amber calls Liz "the most emotional person in the house," Kirsten tells us that Liz can "go from one mood to another really fast," Andrew tells us that she worries that she "can't keep an even head through this," and then feeds her lamb at the Moroccan restaurant. Afterward, Christina smiling tells us, "It was really cute that she had lamb for the first time with Andrew" before pausing for a second and sticking out her tongue in horror. Down at the tennis courts, Liz asks whether she thinks Andrew would ever want to kiss her or if he thought of her as more of a friend. Andrew stares back at her in that way that asks, "How do you say 'neither' in the language of Crazy?" Moments after she tells us that she thinks she's not getting a rose tonight, we find her interview telling us that she thought the last rose was for her. We watch her not getting a rose. We find out that her infamous "you want to see a girl that's crushed, you got her" nugget was preceded by a twenty-minute logic proof that contains the word "maybe," by my count, fifteen times in fifteen seconds. That's gotta be a record. Maybe. End of montage. The crowd goes silent.

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