Kissing montage. No, I won't even discuss it. Except that Kelly Jo's grandmother, Bubka, tells us in a confessional I can't believe they didn't use on the show proper, "When he kissed me. And hugged me. It made me feel young." And Kelly Jo, who asks the incorrectly suddenly non-rhetorical question, "Who wouldn't want to make out with Bob?" A million human hands raising in the air creates a million-mile-an-hour wind that throws the planet off its axis and knocks Earth into Jupiter and Bob ruins humanity again, the thieving bastard. And then he rapes Estella's mom.
There's nothing surprising about the appearance of Bob at this point, and no one even bothers pretending to be shocked in any way. To another standing ovation, Bob comes out to the Hot Seat. Mary tells him, "You still make me wring my hands." She tells him that he's a great person and that she hopes he found happiness. Tellingly, he says nothing. "But I do love you," she follows up. Boo hoo, Mary, you had me and then you lost me. He tells her he loves her too. Which he does not. Bob asks if he can talk, and then tells Meredith how "floored" and "devastated" he was when he found out about Nana. Chris asks Bob if he would do the show again, and he says that he would because he's really excited about how things turned out. He then says he also wouldn't, because of how difficult it was to choose. He knows he's not going to garner much sympathy, he continues, but really, really, really, it was hard. Meh. It's hard being me, too, and I keep coming back and doing it again. With nary a kiss from anyone to cajole me to return.
Yes. That really was a proposal. I'm just that pitiable. And, I mean, I'm practically dateless since I got the hell off Friendster.
Questions from the bachelorettes abound (well, one), with Darla (that is who that is, right?) calls out from the waaaaaaaay back, "What do you have against blondes?" Bob inelegantly segues away from answering the question, responding that that's just one of the things he's taken heat for since the show hit the air. Chris wants to know what else makes people's lists of complaints. Ooooh, I'll make a list for you later. Nah, screw it. I'll make a list for you now, Feud-yle (but without the creepy Richard Dawson vibe):
- The hair
- The laugh
- The book
- The laugh
- The overwhelming, unrelenting Bob-liness of it all
"Kissing," Bob replies. Ooooh, sorry. Top five answers on the board only.
How about another question from the crowd? Some beefcake-y, bohunky guy who looks a lot like past Bachelor Aaron in a way, asks, "Can you set me up with anybody here?" Shut up, beefcake. Especially with the next question, from some girl, coming right behind: "Since we all know you like kissing a lot, if you wanted to get intimate with any of the girls, did the show allow you? And did you?" See, now, THAT is an excellent question. And while I understand that this show is kind of like a long, elaborate magic tricks and that discovering its mechanisms might make it less enjoyable, I think we've figured out enough of its tenets and tropes over the seasons and still come back for more. In fact, I think a The Bachelor: The Drugs We Put In The Water That Keep You Coming Back special would be quite a bit more engaging that this hour-long clip show I've somehow managed to wring ten pages (or so) out of. But still, we have no specific details on what happens behind those closed doors, and Chris nicely defuses the situation with a rather chirpy "When was the last time you were intimate with a man?" She doesn't respond. Why, Chris -- when was the last time you were intimate with a man?