This Is Getting Old

Episode Report Card
Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
Mary, Mary, Why Ya Buggin'?

"Tonight's going to be a weird night for everybody," Bob explains to the ladies, moments later. It's like he just realized that the husk of a perfect coif we used to call Chris Harrison has utterly jumped ship, and he's rushed in to fill the void where the cornerstone of a reality-show host used to be. "It's gonna be good and bad, all at the same time." Oh my god, just like life! From just behind him, Mary saunters in, having run upstairs to check on the rapidly aging portrait of her, stashed away in the attic. Yup. Still old.

Bob and Mary retreat outside and onto the lanai. Bob tells us that "she's a very passionate woman." I deny that! "There's no denying that." Well, never mind, then! That increasingly familiar noise of two smacky faces meeting in the night in front of a microphone positioned sixteen inches from their faces kicks up again, as they're all, "Smack smack, gurgle gurgle." Bob whispers some pillow talk though there are no pillows, but I tend to miss what he says when he's in a profile shot, because that's usually when his sideburns look me right in the eye and then leap through my TV screen and take a swipe. Oh, fine, I'll tell you: "I just wish I had more time to spend with you." After that, Tracie and I spend a long, long time discussing why he called her "Maria." Actually, it started with us divorcing ourselves from the fact that we both thought he said, "I wish I had more time to spend with you, Maureen." Which I believe was a more popular form of nomenclature back in the old country from whence Mary came, though I'll bet it was still a radical departure from the names her peers usually got. I'll bet her sisters names are Gertrude and Dorothy. Or Rose, Blanche, and Sophia. They are out on the lanai, after all. Mary tells Bob that she really wants a rose, adding as a means of dampening the rank smell of opportunism such rose-begging can often give off, "More than I want a rose, I want you." Kiss kiss. Love love. In a confessional, Mary issues this somewhat challenging syntactical exercise. Parse with me! "Each and every time that I get near Bob, my heart confirms what it feels, and that's my love for him." Should we post that in the haiku thread? Because it's six syllables too long. What the hell does that mean? On their way back into the house, Bob is overheard complimenting Mary's dress, as he tells her, "This crimson ensemble looks lovely on you." That is, bar none, the gayest fashion utterance in the history of television by a non-Cojocaro, ever.

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