We begin with Lee-Ann, first in friend interviews and last in roses this week. As she follows Jamie and the rest out to the lanai, we check in with Bob's partner-in-law Katina, who tells us, "The qualities that Bob needs in a spouse are definitely a strong-willed person, someone that can stand on their own two feet." Let's just rubber-stamp the word "sic" over the number agreement in that entire sentence so that I don't jam my italics feature trying to note each one separately, okay? Thanks. The first question Greg asks of Lee-Ann is, "How do feel about the fact that Bob's been married before?" Because this is Fakeland and a game, Lee-Ann is able to deadpan a response that, when NOT delivered on television would probably sound more like "Yeah, the dude's thirty-two and divorced. And in a band. And lives in Michigan. And I think I'm gonna go on a date with someone else now, thanks." But this is Fakeland, where he's got a book deal and I have...well, none. And in that universe, Lee-Ann responds, "I think that once you've been in a marriage, you kind of know what it takes." We then montage through the tulips, Kelly Jo piling on with her answer to the same question, "Seems like he really learned from the experience." Man. You really gotta give credit to the PR guys down at Next, because they have managed to make divorce seem like a character-builder worthy of a stint in the armed forces (www.godivorce.gov, where you can be your own, broken, alimony-paying, singles-bar-hopping, past your prime, Army Of None). They could have pulled any sideshow freak onto this show and called him The Bachelor, and just as a result of their media coaching, could have ended up with responses from the girls ranging from "I think that once you've been in prison, you kind of know that killing is wrong" to "I think that once you've been in a mental institution, you kind of know that cooking your grandmother into a pie and serving it at Thanksgiving dinner isn't a stunt that forensic experts and police investigators will deal with lightly." This has been "One to Grow On."
Not that I'm ideologically opposed to divorce. Some of my best parents are divorced. I'm just saying in the real world this shit would never fly. I know a lot of twenty-four-year-olds, and not one of them is dating a thirty-two-year-old divorcee. Well, one. But talk about daddy issues.
Greg is getting so close to being the host of The New New New New Newlywed Game that I simply can't believe he hasn't asked any questions making liberal use of the word "whoopee," but he soldiers on bravely, "Who typically wears the pants?" It's just another day at Bachelorville, the esteemed capital of the sovereign nation of Montagetopia, as we rapid-fire through the responses: Brooke thinks that "the man should" wear the pants, but no matter who is and who is not wearing the pants, I can state clearly that nobody in the couple and nobody on the planet should be wearing Brooke's white, mesh 18th-century gay hobo hat. Look at that gay 18th-century hobo thing! She seriously looks like Ebeneezer Scrooge is about to toss a nickel over a balcony and call out on Christmas morning, "You there! Go buy yourself the biggest turkey in the whole market! And a bottle of Shiraz!" Because she's a gay 18th-century hobo, is why.