Bachelor
This Is Getting Old

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Mary, Mary, Why Ya Buggin'?

Estella thinks that "there isn't really anyone wearing the pants." True enough. But you can't live in the hot tub forever.

Meredith says something about wearing "the shorts." Oh, I get it.

I don't get it at all.

Greg -- who will probably be hosting this show by the end of this episode -- defers to Katina for the next question: "Sex after marriage, after the third date, or when it feels right?" Lee-Ann whispers a stunned "Oh, man," because she apparently heard the question asked as "Make the sound of having sex after marriage, after the third date, or when it feels right." Estella says, "On the first date...oh I'm sorry, did you say the third date?" Because showing your man's friends what a big whore you are always scores the points. Brooke drops the virgin bomb. Oh, honey, aren't we all? Oh, and has anyone else noticed that Enrique Iglesias's mole apparently decided it wanted to try acting on the small screen, and has permanently taken residence on Brooke's face? That mole is The Mole That Ate The Ottoman That Ate Cleveland. Everything on this show is hungry except those emaciated bitches.

Failing with Trista and then spending the next six months playing skinny sidekick to a fat, funny, headliner must really have taken its toll on Jamie, because he's reduced to the singular conversational strategy of "edgewise." He gets in his one sentence of the episode, leaving even linguistic staples such as the subject and the interrogative framing out, just in case he gets cut off and we're forced to forget who Jamie is all over again. He asks, "Ever had a one-night stand?" No, never, never, no, no, never. This montage plays like a patter song from a Sondheim musical. And the chorus of that song is "Bullshit." None of these girls went to college? Everyone's had a one-night stand. Fine. Make me look like whore, why don't you? Katina: "Long engagement or a rush to the altar?" Estella likes it long. Kelly Jo wants Bob to fly her to Vegas immediately. Mary professes her "deep, serious love" for Bob and then, as if not desperate and haggard enough, says she'd like a quick engagement because she wants to have kids. The biological clock is running out of the time. Poor, old, broken Mary. In bed, are you a tiger or a kitten? Everyone says "tiger" except Meredith, who says she's "both." Which would be like answering "both" to the question, "In the fruit bowl, are you the apples or the oranges?"

Mary applies copious hair products, yet it's Bob's partner Greg who looks like he got the bulk of them. His coif not blowing in any wind, he tells us that Mary gets the first individual date, based on the fact that she says she's falling in love with him already. Great. Feed the delusion. They're going to a theme park. En route, they both agree that they want to have a great time, and Mary says that she wants them to be twelve today. "Dog years" joke, anyone? Who's with me? She's OLD! And she hasn't said anything in Spanish in a while. So what else is there to make fun of, am I right?

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Bachelor

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