And then Vienna is shooting one of the cannons, and then they climb up the rigging because they need to rut all over every single piece of the ship, and then he makes her walk the plank, and actually shoves her off, and then he does a big manly dive into the water. Vienna says a whole lot of nonsense about how she wants to make the most out of life, and Jake's the same way. "I want to please Vienna, and she wants to please me, it just works," says Jake, who praises her nurturing qualities. And now they are off the boat and making out in the surf, and on the beach, and Vienna tells us it was so romantic because it just them (should have been there last night, Vienna; you could have compared notes with Tenley). Jake's take: "Rollin' around in the sand today was smokin' hot," and maybe he loves Vienna being immature because when it comes down to it he talks like a douchey frat boy with a driver's licence. Vienna says she's fallen in love with Jake, and to her credit, is concerned about the fact that there are two other women he's dating, and she wonders if he's falling for them too. Well, he's actually TOLD YOU that he's fallen for everyone. More than once. And will do so again. Given the pressure of the upcoming evening, which Jake has already done a couple of times already, I'd worry a little more about Jake being a little overworked and not being able to, um, hoist the mainsail for the third time.

So now it's dinner time, with Jake praising how awesome Vienna looks. And she talks more about how she's scared that there are two other girls here. She says she's going to put her "heart on the line" and she wants to know how he feels. Jake tells us he needs to make sure his attraction isn't just sexual, and that he's fallen for her heart, or some stupid shit. They talk to each other about what they're looking for in partners, and they say all the usual "best friend" and "share everything" stuff. Then Jake asks if she likes thick bands or thin bands, and square or princess cuts. God, he's annoying. She mentions, I think, thin bands and princess cuts? Like she'd turn down any gaudy bauble that he picked out. She asks if he could see her as his wife. "Yes. You wouldn't be here if I couldn't," he says. And then HE says there are two other women there, which is just what you want to hear after discussing engagement rings and marriage with your boyfriend. "I have fallen for them both as well, and that makes everything very real for me," he says. I'd argue it makes everything NOT REAL for anyone, but I've never gone on The Bachelor, so I apparently have no idea what real love is all about. Vienna seems a little put out, at least at first, but just when you think she's going to wise up that it's not exactly ideal to have the object of your affection tell you that he's in love with TWO other women, she tells him she's fallen in love with her. Anyone need a spine? Vienna's not using hers. "You've fallen in love with me?" he says, and does his two-handed head-grab and swallows her face for a while. "I love that you told me that," he says, praising her "brutal honesty." Yeah, it's so brutal to hear someone say she's in love with you.