Bachelor
Trip to the Island of St. Lucia

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Poor Baby Jake
So here we are, defiling Saint Lucia with this stupid show. Jake calls it "the perfect place to fall in love," which he'd say no matter where they were. A Pittsburgh industrial park is the perfect place to fall in love! The searing torment of eternal hellfire is the perfect place to fall in love!

Jake says he's falling in love with all the three women for different reasons, but never says the word "boobs" once, so you know he's lying. He tells us that Gia is so much different from his first impression. He could tell she was holding back about past relationships, and it turns out her last boyfriend was a cheating gangster or something. "Gia and I's chemistry is just electric," Jake tells us, in the return of the most mystifying and grating grammar error this show has ever inflicted on the world.

With Tenley, Jake wondered if she was too good to be true, and I guess the unspoken sentiment here is that her divorce is a strike against her. But it's a good thing he doesn't hold it against her! Jake says she's got a heart of gold, which I hope doesn't ruin Neil Young for me.

Jake talks about how Vienna was as bold as she could possibly be, like when they met for the first time and she wanted to see his abs. Then he talks about how he cried like a little baby when they went bungee jumping, and she was just a rock. And then he talks about how she's always been the centre of the drama. "But our connection is undeniable," he says, but he doesn't care what anybody else thinks. Then he says she may be a little "immature" like WHO SAYS THAT ABOUT HIS GIRLFRIEND MUCH LESS FUTURE WIFE and then he says if they got married they could mature together.

And then he wonders about Ali, how she's doing, so good luck that there happen to STILL BE CAMERAS with Ali as she wakes up in the morning, not that this show is STAGED or anything, and she talks about how she's more anxious than she's ever been, and that she can't concentrate on her job since she's been back. Well, can you blame her? After all, she gave up being one of four girlfriends for her job! Who in their right mind would have done the same thing?

"Every day that I'm away from him, my heart breaks just a little more," she says. So she's decided to fight for him, and tell him how she feels, so now would be a good time for everyone watching to make sure they're stocked up on Gravol.

Pigeon Island, Saint Lucia. Jake's got a date with Gia, and he can't wait to see her. Is it because he respects her career, her intelligence, her tastes in books and film? No, it's because she's going to look "absolutely gorgeous." He's still blathering about her holding something back, so I can't wait for them to talk about it endlessly and painfully. Gia, meanwhile, is excited at the prospect of falling in love again.

So they hug and giggle and look out at the water and climb some stone staircase at some kind of battlement or something. Jake points out the pier with the boat they're going to take across the bay to get something to eat. Jake wants to take Gia to a market where all the St. Lucians shop. Isn't that like St. Lucians visiting the U.S. and going to a mall? They sample fruit, listen to reggae music. "All the natives are hanging out, having a good time," says Gia, like these two couldn't possibly be any more condescending. Jake says it's amazing that Gia with her $1,000 pair of shoes is really empathetic with people putting it all out on the line, just trying to earn an honest living, I SWEAR TO GOD HE SAID THAT. How these two didn't wind up beaten and mugged, I have no idea. Probably the camera crew following them is the only thing preventing "the natives" from poking their patronizing eyes out.

Jake talks about what a blast Gia is, and how he wants to have adventures and travel with her or something, and she'd be up for that. "That's something I gotta have in a woman," he says, which must be right under "doesn't want a job" and "lets me decide everything" on his wife checklist.

Then he talks about making a "leap of faith," which is something idiots on this show always say, seemingly without having any idea what it means, and we watch them jumping off the pier, and then making out. "I feel like we're the only two people on the whole island. It's just us. It's our island," says Gia, like, yeah, your casual colonialism is PART OF THE PROBLEM. She says she's falling in love, and wants to take the next step.

"Today confirmed my feelings for Jake," she says, adding that she's had some bad choices in boyfriends before. It's nighttime now, and they're meeting up for dinner. "She looks like a little ballerina," Jake tells us, who doesn't want a woman for a wife as much as he wants a little doll, adding that he's usually the "protective type" and he wants to "take care of Gia," like what a shock that is. There's a dinner table set up on the beach, with starfish on the table, and they sit down and Jake is already bringing up "all the boys" she's dating, like he should talk. And then they stare into each other's eyes. "Nobody else exists right now," Jake tells her, and then he says he's intrigued, because she's so "drop-dead gorgeous," but also "deep," like in terms of pickup lines, this guy is barely a step above high school guys telling girls that guys can die if they don't have sex. And that's the part that really gets him, he says, you know, that she's so hot but yet also so deep (the former is apparent, the latter? Still waiting on some evidence) and then she adds that he really gets her to open up, but now she wants him to talk about himself. I know it will be hard for him, but he'll give it his best shot, I'm sure.

So then he babbles about how he wants to take care of her. "That's what I bring to a marriage," he says, and how he wants someone to make his dreams theirs, and their dreams his (and the last part kind of sounded like an afterthought). She says something about how she's never seen this side of him. "I've never met a guy who can say even half of what you said," she says. Or perhaps all the guys she's met have not been cheesy smarm weasels.

And now they are drinking wine and sitting in a hammock while she gets up the nerve to tell him she loves him. "When I look in Jake's eyes, I get lost," she tells us. And then he is telling her that when she stepped out of the limo, he thought she was just amazing. But didn't he say his first impression of her was completely wrong?

And then he busts out the oh-so-romantic I Want To Bone You Now card, wherein Chris "Pimp" Harrison says they can forego their individual rooms for the fantasy suite together. "What do you think?" says Jake, and Gia wastes no time saying yes.

And eventually we follow the trail of shedded clothes into the bathroom, with the candles and the rose petals all around the tub. For what it's worth, Gia seems to still have her top on. "Gia has grabbed hold of my heart so hard. My life is flashing before my eyes," he says. Isn't that something that happens to people about to die? He says Gia is someone he could definitely propose to. Aw, there's nothing more romantic than qualifications around declarations of potential romantic interest.

Rodney Bay now, the next day (or whenever). Jake's really excited to see Tenley. "We just connect on so many levels," he says. Wait for it... there it is, the "values" word that he always uses with Tenley. Tenley says she's really excited to have the whole day with Jake. Which I'd like to point out really wouldn't be an issue for any guy she dates who DOESN'T have two other girlfriends, but whatever. So now they're flying in a helicopter, and Jake says he's so excited to "show" Tenley the whole island, like it's his island or something. Tenley says she was just speechless, which unfortunately turns out not to be true. They touch down in some sugar plantation for some lunch, and to spend time together and just talk.

Tenley says she's falling in love with Jake, but she's been in love before and can't let herself go that far again without knowing if Jake values marriage as much as she does,

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