Trip to the Island of St. Lucia

Episode Report Card
Daniel: D | Grade It Now!
Poor Baby Jake
>"Here I am, in love with my final three," says Jake, before saying the messages didn't make things any easier for him, and he's worried about making the wrong decision. Once you've decided to go on The Bachelor, I think all the rest of your decisions are like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

So it's an outside rose ceremony in Saint Lucia. Harrison welcomes all the women, calling it one of the most romantic places in the world, and after all they've gone through, and the overnight auditions, one of you is STILL going home! How you like them apples?

Jake comes in. "You ladies look absolutely drop-dead gorgeous," says constant cheeseball Jake, and he tells them he's fallen in love with all of them, which is what makes tonight so difficult for him. I love how he constantly thinks that this show is hardest on him, forcing him to choose.

After an annoyingly long pause, the first rose goes to Tenley. Mercifully, Harrison doesn't immediately come out to point out that there's only one rose left. Jake picks it up, and waits what we can presume is a show-mandated lengthy pause, and then gives it to Vienna. Gia tries to keep the smile on her face for a while, and then Harrison tells her to take a moment to say her goodbyes. Gia hugs the other women who have slept with the man that she thought was her boyfriend, and then Jake leads her out to a bench so they can talk for a while.

"That was not easy," says Jake. Oh, poor you! He tells her that she's absolutely amazing, and orders her to make her next guy "work" for her. He tells her he's just developed slightly stronger feelings for the other women. She, of course, blames herself for not opening up more, and he never says anything about the fact that Tenley and Vienna don't have any silly notions of "working" that might get in the way of having a clean house and kids raised right, even if Gia's job really only consists of "looking sexy." Gia tells him he has two wonderful women left, which is more gracious than this show deserves, and he walks her out to the limo.

"Sending Gia home was just horrible for me," he says, adding that he never saw Gia cry until tonight, and that just broke his heart. Once again, poor you! He hates that he hurt someone he really loves, and he hopes she finds a guy who will treat her right.

In the limo, Gia cries and says she was really starting to see a future with him. "I'm crushed right now," she says, adding that the hardest thing was that she really did fall in love, and it takes her so long to get over these things. Here's hoping that she watches this show and realizes Jake's more in love with himself than anything.

Jake goes over to hug Tenley and Vienna and talk about how hard that was. Where the hell else can a guy get away with whining about how hard it was to dump a girlfriend TO HIS TWO OTHER GIRLFRIENDS? Big Love, maybe? He thanks them for being strong, when he should really thank them for having so little self-worth that they would put themselves on this show and not realize that this show knows absolutely nothing about the "love" it purports to cherish so much.

Speaking of which: my wife and I celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary later this week, and I can only imagine how angry and bitter this show would make me if she wasn't already making me happier than I ever knew was possible. I love you, Alex, and I'll always be here for the right reasons.

Now back to your regularly scheduled sarcasm and vitriol.

Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Watching The Bachelor makes him wonder if heterosexuals should be allowed to get married. Follow him on Twitter or email him at danieljdaniel[at]

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