You know, I've been emailed by people who want to know if I heard ABC is promising a "bachelorette bloodbath" tonight. I don't want to say that I hope that's literally true, but ... I don't know how to finish that sentence.
Chris "Chris Harrison" Harrison says Jake has some great dates planned for them tonight, which includes a solo date, a group date, and a two-on-one date. You all know what all those mean, right?
Then Harrison says everything is going to change this week, and invites the women outside, where there are a couple of RVs the size of apartment buildings. Kathryn says she knew that it meant they were going to be going somewhere. Kathryn must be some kind of genius. Harrison explains they're leaving the house forever and they're going on a road trip up the California coast and these RVs are going to be their homes for the next few days.
"I am fixin' to get on this RV and I am so dang excited," says Ella, and claims that because she's a country girl from Tennessee, she's used to this. Like I've lived in HOUSES that are smaller than these things, so Ella acting like this is country life is ridiculous. I'm fixin' to be rollin' my eyes.
And then Ali and Tenley talk about how awesome it is that Vienna is on the other RV, because of her cooties I'm guessing, and Vienna says she would rather ride on a bike behind the RV than ride with Tenley and Ali. Ladies, you can do your hair and you can put on all the makeup you want, but nothing's uglier than this junior-high bullshit.
And then Ella wants her relationship to get "rolling down the highway of love," and unfortunately there are video cameras on the RVs so we get to watch lots of shaky, poorly composed camera work with the fake REC and red circle in the corner. And I think we're supposed to see "fun" and "spontaneous" but instead we see "annoying" and "obnoxious."
And then Corrie says they have to be the most dysfunctional family to have ever driven down the California coast, and I would like to submit the Manson family for her consideration, and ... no, wait, I think Corrie's got a point.
And there's Jake rolling down the highway on his hog. "It is so beautiful," he says. "The road trip this week is going to be amazing." They are going to make stops! On a road trip! And there will be surprises! And they are down to nine women, and each one is so amazing!
Then Jake is setting up a tent in a vineyard, and he can't think of a better place to fall in love, except for any other place he ever goes on every date with all the women, I think he means. Meanwhile, the women in the RVs speculate about who's getting the various dates, and Gia jokes that an Ali-Vienna two-on-one date would be like "Tyson-Holyfield" and she earns major points from me, especially since we can't tell if any of the other women (certainly not Vienna) have any idea what she's talking about. Although it's kind of too bad that Gia didn't go a little farther back in her sporting reference, because she's making a boxing reference -- and Ali's name is Ali!