Bachelor
Trip Up the Coast of California

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Plenty of Cheese with the Wine
You know, I've been emailed by people who want to know if I heard ABC is promising a "bachelorette bloodbath" tonight. I don't want to say that I hope that's literally true, but ... I don't know how to finish that sentence.

Chris "Chris Harrison" Harrison says Jake has some great dates planned for them tonight, which includes a solo date, a group date, and a two-on-one date. You all know what all those mean, right?

Then Harrison says everything is going to change this week, and invites the women outside, where there are a couple of RVs the size of apartment buildings. Kathryn says she knew that it meant they were going to be going somewhere. Kathryn must be some kind of genius. Harrison explains they're leaving the house forever and they're going on a road trip up the California coast and these RVs are going to be their homes for the next few days.

"I am fixin' to get on this RV and I am so dang excited," says Ella, and claims that because she's a country girl from Tennessee, she's used to this. Like I've lived in HOUSES that are smaller than these things, so Ella acting like this is country life is ridiculous. I'm fixin' to be rollin' my eyes.

And then Ali and Tenley talk about how awesome it is that Vienna is on the other RV, because of her cooties I'm guessing, and Vienna says she would rather ride on a bike behind the RV than ride with Tenley and Ali. Ladies, you can do your hair and you can put on all the makeup you want, but nothing's uglier than this junior-high bullshit.

And then Ella wants her relationship to get "rolling down the highway of love," and unfortunately there are video cameras on the RVs so we get to watch lots of shaky, poorly composed camera work with the fake REC and red circle in the corner. And I think we're supposed to see "fun" and "spontaneous" but instead we see "annoying" and "obnoxious."

And then Corrie says they have to be the most dysfunctional family to have ever driven down the California coast, and I would like to submit the Manson family for her consideration, and ... no, wait, I think Corrie's got a point.

And there's Jake rolling down the highway on his hog. "It is so beautiful," he says. "The road trip this week is going to be amazing." They are going to make stops! On a road trip! And there will be surprises! And they are down to nine women, and each one is so amazing!

Then Jake is setting up a tent in a vineyard, and he can't think of a better place to fall in love, except for any other place he ever goes on every date with all the women, I think he means. Meanwhile, the women in the RVs speculate about who's getting the various dates, and Gia jokes that an Ali-Vienna two-on-one date would be like "Tyson-Holyfield" and she earns major points from me, especially since we can't tell if any of the other women (certainly not Vienna) have any idea what she's talking about. Although it's kind of too bad that Gia didn't go a little farther back in her sporting reference, because she's making a boxing reference -- and Ali's name is Ali!

Over in the other RV, Ali is expressing confidence that she'd come back from a two-on-one date with Vienna, and she'd go on one to "take one for the team," for the house, for the girls. And Tenley says "thank you," and she says it as sincerely as you'd say "thank you" to someone who was donating his kidney to you. "You guys! Ali said she'd go on a two-on-one date for us!"

The women arrive at the winery. Corrie says the vineyards and the mountains were beautiful, and then there's Jake waiting for them, and he hugs his harem as they disembark, and Tenley is ridiculously thrilled about Jake in his flannel: "Standing there all rugged, looking like a man!" And then Tenley is telling us how awkward it was when Vienna was being all forward with Jake about staying in his tent, because she hasn't learned yet that it only matters if Jake likes Vienna, not if Tenley likes Vienna.

Jake leaves the date card with Gia to read, once he's back at his tent, and she opens up the card and it's for her. "Gia: Let's go over the moon and under the stars," she says, and she's all a-flutter, but Vienna doesn't think it's going to work, because Gia's a New Yorker and Jake's a southern guy, and all I can say is that not everyone can be as rugged and outdoorsy as Vienna is.

And then Jake's talking about the "simple date" that they're going on, and he wants to know how the New Yorker is going to handle it. I like Gia, you know. She seems sweet. She gets dressed and says she wants to look cute for Jake, who shows up on his motorcycle, and Vienna is again questioning Gia's outdoorsy bona fides: "She's totally wrong for him!" Ashleigh asks the other women if they think Gia's coming back. "If she doesn't fall off the bike," jokes Jessie, which I think is her one line tonight.

Then they go to the vineyard, and Jake tells us Gia had a great idea: playing hide-and-seek in the vineyard. Hey, maybe she'll want to play hopscotch! But don't get her too worked up, or you'll never get her down for her afternoon nap. And then all of a sudden Gia has jumped into his arms and he is carrying her around like a baby.

Then they are sitting having a wine-tasting picnic, and Jake asks her about school, and Gia says she was a "nerd" and Jake says in ninth grade they used to call him "Mr. Dateless," and he says there were lots of girls that he thought were pretty, but he didn't have any confidence, and he didn't kiss a girl until 11th grade. Gia says her first kiss was awful, and it involved playing Spin the Bottle, which translates for Jake as "let's play Spin the Bottle!" which they do, and Jake tells her he's never played Spin the Bottle, and I counter by saying that I've never gone on The Bachelor, and then he's spinning and Gia says "first time is cheek, second time is lips, third time is ... all the way," like WHERE EXACTLY WERE YOU PLANNING TO HAVE HIM KISS, and this goes on forever, and eventually the two of them are making out, and Gia tells us that her first kiss (or, as she puts it, "Jake and I's first kiss") with Jake was the best kiss of her life. "Your heart kind of stops. You just stop thinking," she says. I find it really hard to believe that a bachelorette can just "stop thinking" like that, but there you have it.

Then they are camping out or something under the stars, which he calls his "apartment." Jake figures that because Gia is from New York, she thinks they're going to have steak for supper, whatever that's supposed to mean. Instead they're having hot dogs, which I hate to tell Jake are widely and famously enjoyed by New Yorkers. I know this from watching Law & Order. And then they're trying to start a campfire, and Gia figures she needs to learn how to do this, and apparently how you do it is bring a lighter with you and hold it to wood, like maybe they should be writing this down it's so complicated. Then they're snuggling and talking about plans, and Gia wants to get engaged, be engaged for a while, then be married for a few years before having kids, and then have kids before she's 30, and she wants to have two kids and adopt a baby girl from China. Sounds like she should have gotten started about six years ago.

And meanwhile, the other bachelorettes start yelling and squealing from their sad little passive-aggressive campfire, and Gia wonders if it's coyotes. Maybe, but in another few years they're all going to be cougars. The group date card arrives: Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna and Corrie. "Next stop: falling inn (not a typo), love Jake." That means Ella and Kathryn will be going on the two-on-one date. I love those dates, because it guarantees at least one idiot goes home.

Meanwhile, Gia is telling us that she loved the date because it was "real" and "fun" and she lies that she didn't worry about her hair and lipstick. Then she tells us that she's dated a lot of "bad guys" and she's somewhat scared to put her heart out there, because it could get broken, but then Jake goes to get the rose and he talks about what a blast he had. "It'

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