Two Become One

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admin: A+ | 4 USERS: A+
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Previously on The Bachelor: Big Bang, Earth formed, molten lava, man walks upright, man regresses, Bob.

"Welcome to Long Lake," a folksy, friendly-looking homespun sign begs, as if it's the entrance to Epcot's LongLakeLand Adventure, light years from nowhere but only seventy-three miles from Alpena. (Heh. "Alpena.") I believe that this part of the world, sadly omitted from manifest destiny's ostensibly comprehensive plan, is called "Michigan." It has a college. And Bob Guiney. And Alpena. Heh. "Alpena."

A quick shot of a boat on some body of water clues us in on how food, drinking water, and emergency medical supplies (including tongue Band-Aids for the poor, kissed-out ladies) get from the mainland to wherever the hell this is, before we cut away to Bob "Fraunch Fries, Fraunch Dressing, Fraunch Kissing And, To Drink, Peru" Guiney, chattin' it up with the crew. "I find myself a week away from making one of the biggest decisions of my life." Not proposing marriage is one of the biggest decisions of your life? In that case, I make one of the biggest decisions of my life every day! Go, me! Hey, you guys? Today, will you not marry me? Wow, it really does feel good to make every day special.

Bob walks away from the water, fresh from sending out an S.O.S. to the world, holding a picnic basket. Uch. A picnic. With one of those wicker picnic baskets from Pottery Barn with the real silverware and the cloth napkins that yuppies buy for each other when they turn forty and then never use because instead they'll just eat inside like adults with dining room tables, thanks. Bob vamps that he's "confused" where he's "at with things." Good. A perfect quote in order to start unpacking the language of all this reeeeeal early this week. Okay. So, first, what Bob is NOT is "unsure of where he is in his choice between Estella and Kelly Jo." That's already been decided. I'm sorry, but it has. Conversely, what he IS so darned "confused" about is whether he's going to pick one of these girls at all, and, if so, how he can still be American's Metrosexual Sweetheart when he defaults to "see, now he's just a total ass" mode and doesn't offer up a commitment to either of them. I've read your book, you magnificent bastard! But only metaphorically. I haven't actually read that book.

In the interest of full disclosure, Bob goes ahead and explains the rules of the game. The Bachelor, the lover, the host, the on-site representative from the accounting firm of PriceWaterhouseCooper who explains how the votes are tabulated...the man does everything: "I'm going to be spending the day with Estella, and then tomorrow Kelly Jo will be coming here as well." People, it's only simple because he makes it so simple.

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