Bachelor
Two Become One

Episode Report Card
Djb: A+ | 4 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Low Interest Rate

"So, what do you like about K.Jo?" Bob asks his brother-in-law. Omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod. Shut up shut up shut UP. Seriously, I'll give a million dollars to the next person who says one meaningful thing about art, music, culture, politics, religion, or why NewsRadio isn't available on DVD. Anything. Seriously, anything. I can't take this anymore. Which is why I'll just leave the fact that Bob just called her K.Jo because I'm, like, completely out of gas on this home visit. I'll see if I can rally. Evan Handler says that he loves how outgoing she is. She's just like Bob. And people always love being with people exactly like them. Because we all don't secretly loathe ourselves at all. Anyway, The Handler tells Bob, "I honestly think they're both pretty genuine. So I really think you do have your hands full." About the fact that they're being genuine about how much they love him. And how he's got his hands full with the fact that he hates them both.

STOP TOASTING! Oh, man, I'm so tired. Outside for dinner tonight (because the only person who doesn't hate Kelly Jo tonight is, at the very least, "God") Nora (natch) does the honors of welcoming Kelly Jo to their home, telling her, "You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." Weirder and weirder. Evan Handler asks how Kelly Jo thinks her family would get along with Bob's family, and Kelly Jo does that "we're identical! Exactly the same!" thing. OldBob wants us to know that family is the most important thing in their life (oh, REALLY?), telling her, "There's no such thing as in-laws and outlaws." Is that an expression? I've never heard it before. I kind of like it, mostly because when you hear the word "outlaws," it means some varmint's gettin' shot at. And you can take your pick with this group and revel in whoever gets hit first.

Actually, the Evan Handler guy looks a lot more like Ben Kingsley.

Kelly Jo is slouched down so low in her chair it looks like she's going to get spot-tested for scoliosis. And don't worry. I'm sure one of the willing members of the Touchyson Family would be more than happy to administer the exam. She's kicking back like she's got the thing in her back pocket. ["I'm telling you, she thought she did." -- Wing Chun] Except bikinis don't have pockets. For those of you playing at home, this is the exact moment where I fell asleep while watching this episode for the first time. Also, for those of you playing at home, Estella has still only said "journey" once. But I woke up when J.D. offered this pearl of a confessional regarding Kelly Jo: "If you didn't like her, you'd probably be an idiot." Cut to Nora Kenndy-Onassis, who tells the rest of the fam, "I thought she was very refreshing, very colorful...fun." Oh, no. Which is a ringing endorsement, provided she's describing the J. Crew fall rollneck colors. In a confessional, Nora harps on and on: "Estella wanted to get to know me. Tonight, with Kelly Jo, she didn't try to get to know me, and I wanted her to." But she doesn't say that to Bob, because they have a very close family where there are no secrets. OldBob tells us in confessional, "I think I liked Kelly Jo more than Nora." You like Kelly Jo more than Nora liked Kelly Jo, or you like Kelly Jo more than you like Nora? Because either answer is really acceptable. Because Nora hates Kelly Jo. And J.D. thinks anyone who doesn't like Kelly Jo is "probably an idiot." The scary part is that Nora has now seen this episode and poor J.D. is dead. DeDe gives a brief, impassioned speech in defense of emotional walls, culminating with her asking Bob if he thinks he could commit to marrying one of these girls. Bob: "I don't know. I honestly don't know...I think I need more time." Hates them. Hates them both a lot. Bob cuts off the therapy tone of the conversation, asking, "Are we back on Dr. Phil all of a sudden?" Were they on Dr. Phil? And, if so, is airtime something that can be run out of? Because if it is, it's a precious resource and everyone's just wasting it! Nora interrupts with a heartfelt "I just want to tell you, I love you very much." Bob and DeDe finish off her sentence in unison, saying, "and we're very special," which must have been something she used to say or a private joke they used to have or a children's book featuring fuzzy bunnies. I have many millions of private jokes with my siblings, and the reason you don't see them showing up on TV is because...well, they don't tend to make for compelling television. Except for the song "Cutting Cantaloupe is My Life (And I Will Cut it With a Knife)," which we wrote with my sister many years ago. Man, that was a good song. Anyway, DeDe cracks herself up when they reminisce on the dime of the Ford Motor Company or whoever else has stuck around to underwrite this travesty, and when she laughs, she laughs "The Laugh," the strident staccato cackle her brother laughs one octave lower. Okay, not an octave. Maybe, like, a perfect fourth. Bob wants to shut down and not commit to anybody, but he realizes that there are "no guarantees in life." Anyway, end.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15Next

Bachelor

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

Visit the Official Room on zeebox to join in the discussion!

The Latest Activity On TwOP