Bachelor
Two Become One

Episode Report Card
Djb: A+ | 4 USERS: A+
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Estella, not taking up much room in a black tank top, walks up a hill from the water, past the hundred million bottles, washed up on the sho-ore. She waves at Bob from afar, but before she can get to him and commence with the smacky kissing, she's going to have to figure out how to get past an enormous pile of cut lumber strewn inexplicably around the grassy expanse. Look, Bob, we know you're freaked about "opening your heart" after it was trounced on back in the day by a heartless hussy (but you're friends now and WE GET IT), but don't you think this Commitmentphobe Wall Of China thing you've constructed is a little excessive? But a smooth cut later, Estella has just, what, crawled beneath it or slithered right through it, telling us on the way, "When I started this whole journey with Bob, I hoped that I would be the last one with him." A totally original fairy tale of a story, considering that the rest of the girls who started this "journey" possessed dissimilar, incongruous dreams like "wanting to win a hot dog eating contest" or "wanting to be supreme and divine ruler who reigns over the city-state of Crete." And, by popular demand, we're going to count the number of times in this nine-hour, mini-series-length, Roots II: Will You Accept This Root episode that Estella makes mention of a "journey" that she and Bob are on. It's already up to one, but this I warn you before you make your pick: we play Price is Right rules here, which means the winner is whoever guesses closer without going over. That said, my guess is four. And, to recap, it's already up to one.

"You look beautiful," Bob tells Estella as she approaches him on this great expanse of land that I think might be his parents' house or maybe is just near his parents' house. "You look HOT," Estella replies, perhaps mistaking the caked, greasy combination skin and clogged pores for actual warmth-inspired perspiration. It's always there, Estella. You guys have just never been outside in the daylight together. Estella throws her left arm around the back of Bob's neck and they kiss (I would count the total number of those in this episode, but this is merely a computer and not a magic machine, you see). Bob asks her, "Have you eaten?" With the exception of a wholly unappetizing appetizer of "tongue" which Estella at least had the good sense to spit back out when she was done with it, no. She hasn't. Bob points the way to another part of Ambiguous Grassy Expanse National Park, where "Nick and Tony's al Fresco" is all set up. He tells her again on the four-step walk that she looks "lovely," chirping in a high-pitched voice that somehow gaily matches her responding "Thank yoooooou!" almost ampere for ampere. Am I playing this episode on the wrong RPM? Do I need one of those little plastic pieces to put in the middle of the 45 to make this work on a standard player? If you were born after 1980, just email me and I'll explain. Oh, and nice flip-flop sandals, Bob. You on your way to the dormitory showers or what?

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Bachelor

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