Bachelor
Two Become One

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Djb: A+ | 4 USERS: A+
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Once Estella and Bob are settled on the blanket and watching the boats hightail it out of this wilderness (the twist ending of this series is that, at the end, Estella discovers that it was Earth all along), the following conversation ensues. It is one requiring direct transcription to do it appropriate justice. Act it out with a loved one who doesn't really love you back today!

Bob [excitedly]: I'm excited for you to meet my family.
Estella [squeakily]: Me too!
Bob [as before, still excitedly]: Yeah, I'm really excited.
Estella [ditto stage directions, but insert "squeakily"]: Yeah, I am too.
[a beat]
Estella [con't]: Do you think they're going to like me?
Bob [unconvinced]: I'm sure they're going to love you.
Estella [whisper-squeaky]: I'm so excited to meet them.

You guys! You're on television! Do something!

Estella does do something. She kisses Bob again. She takes his face in her hands, grabbing on by the ever-evolving jowls (and yes, I am a supermodel, and thanks for asking), all the while confessionalizing, "I really do hope that Bob's family does approve of me, because I want to be with him." And not because Bob's mother could kill you with her coif. Well, not just because of that.

Smackity-smack smack kissity kiss kiss, until Estella comes up for air and notes, "It's almost over." Not nearly "almost" enough, timekeeper. She asks Bob how he feels about the end being nigh, and he kicks off his reply with a refreshingly direct "Truthfully..." before doubling back into BachelorBabble, where they try to be all egalitarian and vague and not hurt anyone's feelings and not break any of the rules. It's a fundamental problem with the first hour and fifty-seven minutes (minus fifty-six minutes of "previously"s and an hour of commercials for Trista's wedding) of the final episode: it features one billion confessionals from the Bachelor, none of which contains any actual information for fear of tipping off the viewing to the ending. If anyone is still around for the ending. Anyway, the "truthfully" is followed up with Bob flinching as he catches himself about to violate his contract and actually say something that might come out of the mouth of an actual human being, opting not for "truth" but in fact "lack thereof." He goes on, "I'm, just, I don't know. I'm confused. Y'know? Not about my feelings, but what to do." I don't know what that means. Neither does Estella, because she's forced to vamp, "Just follow your heart." It always knows! Toucan Sam guides another lonely heart to a happy ending. Estella continues that "we make it complicated," and Bob agrees, "I definitely do. I overly complicate everything." She suggests that he simplify things, but he would probably only be able to promise to "overly simplify" things, which would ironically complicate things every more. Truthfully, though, I have no idea what they're talking about right now. Complicate what things? What's going on? Bob looks pensive and thoughtful as Estella's consequent speech is drowned out by Bob's own confessional (overly complicated, isn't it?) in which he discusses the "magnitude" of this decision. Back on the ambiguous grass, Estella leans forward and changes the haltingly-edited subject, squeak-whispering, "We are going to have so much fun together and make the most insane couple." They're insane like Crazy Eddie's prices were insane. That is to say, not insane. "With my humor, my brains, and your good looks." She's being ironic because he is ugly. And, once, according to sources, fat. Once.

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