Bachelor
Two Become One

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Augh. Shut up, Wonderful World of Disney. What is Eloise at Christmastime, anyway? Okay, quick quiz: which of those three words is actually a word accepted by the laws of the English language? Hint: it does not rhyme with "mellow ease" or "Christmas rhyme."

More toasts at dinner, many an "I'll drink to that" (and one for Mahler!), and the Evan Handler brother-in-law guy asks if either Bob or Estella would move to the other's "place." Meaning apartment? City? More specific, please. Bob goes off with the insanely romantic "I don't know," and Estella follows it up that they're really still getting to know each other. Wow. This. Is not love. But Estella does wish she could stay and hang out with the fam, and DeDe announces that they're "so close with Bob" as family and friends. They want someone who wants to be part of Bob's life to also be part of theirs. And yes, family is all sorts of very, very important. But Estella really will be marrying the whole family, it seems. Doesn't it? ["Well, it would, if she were marrying Bob, which she is not." -- Wing Chun] Nora Kennedy-Onassis reminds us that Bob's family is going to be meeting another girl (whom Nora will hate on purpose), and that it's not easy to get to know someone under these freaky circumstances. Nora Kennedy-Onassis asks Estella, "Are you capable of loving him with your heart and your soul?" Estella puts her right hand over her heart as if she's about recite The Pledge of Allegiance to the sovereign nation of Bobtopia, responding, "I think I already started loving him with my heart and soul." She thinks. She started. True love at its most qualified. Bob's father pipes up now, letting Estella know that "for a cynical old cop like I am, you've impressed the heck out of me." Cynical old cops love pointing out what cynical old cops they are. At least in the dream logic of the series of Mel Gibson buddy movies I allow to inform my cultural sensibilities. Bob's dad? He's too old for this crap. And we too bored. Estella has "fallen in love" with Bob's family, which is perhaps the realest, most natural, only love being depicted on this show right now. Outside the house, Bob and Estella kiss goodbye, Bob teasing, "I loved...it." That's awesome, on a show where the emotions are so high, to talk of love and then fail to direct it anywhere it could actually make the person who loves you feel loved. Like, sit at dinner and be all, "Estella, my darling. I love...broccoli." Bob, meanwhile, is wrestling with demons of his own, telling us that he's "afraid to make too big a step in any direction for fear that it won't work." Is it me, or is the eleventh-hour "fear of commitment" thing just about the lamest? Everyone -- and I mean you, me, and the Sunshine Band's KC -- knows that when someone comes on this show, that someone enters into a (tacit, sure) contract that you're going to meet someone you can at least delude yourself into thinking you want to marry. But this? This is Buzzkill TV on the Blueballs Network. Yuck yuck blah.

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Bachelor

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