Bachelor
Two Become One

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Djb: A+ | 4 USERS: A+
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It's the "tomorrow" we were promised might one day come. We meet up with Bob again, introducing us to the lake house in Michigan again. Again again again. He's wearing a shirt that features some kind of Asian symbols, proof that the Next Entertainment Department Of Media Saturation is doing its job properly and that the phrase "once I was fat and now I am skinny" has successfully permeated the global market. Because, I mean, what the hell else would it say? Because we are simpering half-wits, Bob needs to remind us that waaaaaay back before the commercial, Estella had a great time and received a warm reception at Bob's parents' house. He predicts that if Kelly Jo also kills with his family, he's going to leave "more confused." So when she doesn't (and she doesn't) make quite the same splash as Estella, we're supposed to go with the pat theory that Bob's family had some sway over this decision? Nuh-uh. What did, then? What mysterious cause? You mean, besides the fact that he's a commitmentphobe and he hates them both?

Kelly Jo is sitting outside wearing a blue bikini top and a sarong (when she said she grew up in "Michigan," she didn't mention if she was just raised in a Hooters or what), watching as Bob pulls up on a jet ski, wearing a sleeveless wetsuit. Kelly Jo tells us in a confessional how "sexy" he looked, causing the president of Sleeveless Wetsuits LLC to issue a hastily assembled press release reading, "No one looks sexy in a sleeveless wetsuit, least of all that guy. And they don't repel water, at least on the arms, for they are sleeveless. Allow me to let the shame of having invented this pointless invention lead to my terminating my life immediately." Awwww. R.I.P., President Wetsuit. I can't believe that that press release turned into a suicide note!

Kelly Jo congratulates Bob on his "nice entrance" (R.I.P., sweet princely president!), and they hug and kiss and hug. They enjoy (well, she does, while he more "contractually obligates") the same picnic as Bob enjoyed yesterday. Kelly Jo expresses excitement about the day and the family and the meeting, and Bob asks what she's most excited about. "Meeting them!" Kelly Jo hazards. And, rather than volleying back a "well, they're excited to meet you, too" or an "I'm so excited for you to meet them, too," Bob defaults to the noncommittal "They're crazy." And they're not, but for the purposes of this discussion, even that's momentarily beside the point. Bob is not even present on this date. He doesn't have a nice word for Kelly Jo. I know it seems like everything's fine on first viewing, but I haven't had just a single viewing of just one episode of this show since I walked past it playing in the window of a Radio Shack during Season One when I didn't even know what it was yet. So trust me. Come along. Dig a little deeper. At this point in his decision-making process, Bob's repeated "I don't know what to do" isn't because he's trying to choose between Estella and Kelly Jo. It's because he's trying to choose between Estella and not Estella. Go with me on this one. ["If Djb is right about this -- and I have no reason to think he isn't right about everything, always -- then the interview I saw on The Ellen DeGeneres Show today, during which Kelly Jo declared that, going into the final meeting with Bob, she was completely sure she had the whole thing sewn up, and that she was legitimately in love with him, is even sadder than the baseline level of 'sad' that's always present on this show." -- Wing Chun] Kelly Jo hopes to "knock [Bob's family's] socks off." I think their socks are probably product-placed, and if we'd like to see more fine programming like that which we are enjoying here, you'd better turn that hope right around, missy. Also, Bob's family isn't "crazy."

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