Bachelor
Two Become One

Episode Report Card
Djb: A+ | 4 USERS: A+
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Low Interest Rate

Bob suits Kelly Jo up in a life preserver, telling her, "I asked them if they had vests for little people." Oh, burn. And he has no right to talk about people of strange sizes. And, shut up. Bob tells us that Kelly Jo is "a blast to hang out with." Yeah, that's love talk. Kelly Jo drives the jet ski and laughs uproariously as Bob goes flying off the back. In a confessional, Bob repeats the fact that his family really liked Estella. And back through the sliding door with them, this time to the back yard, where the nephew kid screams, "Hi, Kelly Jo!" Nora Kennedy-Onassis looks at Kelly Jo, giving her a look like the kid just screamed something about Batman smelling and Robin laying an egg, right in the middle of when they were supposed to be singing Christmas carols. "Keep that tramp's name out of your mouth," Grandma Kennedy-Onassis seems to be saying.

More toasting. I guess that'll be two for Mahler.

Back in Bob's cozy future home of L.A., Estella sits fidgeting in the limo, kicking back to a confessional in which we learn that she hopes it's her first and last time trying on engagement rings. The same woman at Harry Winston (let's call her "Anita") welcomes Estella, somehow managing to pronounce her name entirely using the letter "Z." Estella, she hugs. They sit down and start sizing (for the love of all things holy, Anita, you're showing her rings USING THE WRONG HAND!!!), Estella telling us in a confessional, "Is my boyfriend going to propose to me or is he going to propose to another girl?" Hmmm...my Scantron sheet still has room for a "C" and a "D." What say we try out some of those choices before we move ahead to scribbling in a circle with our #2 pencils, okay? I'll take "C." Loneliness and heartbreak all.

Nora Kennedy-Onassis tries to shake off The Not Estella One, telling her hapless husband to take Kelly Jo on a walk around the house while she stays behind, talking about how much she doesn't like Kelly Jo. Once on their way, OldBob (as opposed to his son, OldBob Jr.) asks Kelly Jo, "So, what do you think about this son of ours?" Ech. More drooling. Kelly Jo replies that she thinks her stark neediness is "pretty evident," adding that Bob's everything she ever dreamed of in a man. Man, could her dreams use some dusting. OldBob and Kelly Jo, by the way, are holding hands, people. This family is officially freaking me out. They're officially one human-sized stuffed animal costume away from exemplifying everything freaky and deviant about human interaction. And, for some reason, people in life-sized animal costumes make me feel that way as well. It was this Vanity Fair article I read a really long time ago. Still squicks me out to think about it. Anyway, OldBob has let go of Kelly Jo's hand long enough to kick it to a confessional, where he tells us that Kelly Jo reminds him of Bob: "If she had a thought on her mind, you're gonna hear it whether you like it or not." What would be a thought she would have on her mind she would want him to hear whether he liked it or not? I mean, besides, "OldBob, could you kindly remove your hand from my hand on this utterly strained walk around Creepy Mansion"? Also, OldBob says, "She was real open in expressing how she felt about Bob." She loves him. Which is another quality she shares in common with Bob.

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