Bachelor
Bachelor

Episode Report Card
Shack: B- | 515 USERS: B-
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Is That a Pink Sperm Whale Between Your Legs, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Commercials. We return to the Malibu Dream House for the night of the next Rose Ceremony. Aaron goes around hugging people. Crazy Clueless Christi tells us that she's still in as much love with Aaron as she was when she first laid eyes on him, but worries that he doesn't feel the same. She says, "He would really be cheating the both of us tonight if he doesn't give me a rose, because there's so much more that we could see. There's so much more we need to discover about the initial connection that he and I had." Every time you think Christi's hit rock bottom in her self-delusions, she always finds another cliff to jump off. Aaron explains that the he wants to make sure that he gives roses only to the women who actually want roses. If they don't want roses, wouldn't they say so or something? Oh, he wants to be able to reject women at the Rose Ceremony, but he doesn't want to risk being rejected himself. Shut up, Aaron.

Aaron pulls Helene aside, and she warns him about the scene with Kyla and Shannon. You know, the results of the Rose Ceremony make more sense now. I couldn't tell which blonde said what on first viewing because they all look the same. But now that I know which two it is, everything is falling into place. Helene has Aaron wrapped around her finger. Totally. Aaron tells us that he's totally stressed about the whole thing. Helene and Aaron both insist was just a "friend" thing -- nothing more.

Then, while Aaron is having this confessional deal where he talk to the camera, Brunette Heather interrupts to sit on his lap and try to seduce him. She says she wants to make sure she gets the chance to talk to Aaron, because he didn't before the last Rose Ceremony. Aaron says that he wasn't going to snub her again, and worries that he couldn't handle "the wrath of [Heather]." Aaron tells the camera that he was afraid Brunette Heather would "kick [his] ass" if he didn't make time for her. Heather tells the camera that she's "110\% sure" that she wants a rose tonight. A rose. Does she want Aaron? No. She wants to win and make it to the next round. She really does have a pageant mentality. She's sure that Mom and Dad would be proud of her if she brought Aaron home. I don't know whether to cringe at the possibility that Heather is terribly wrong, or to cringe at the possibility that she's right. Is it worse when your parents look down on you for embarrassing yourself on television, or when they embrace it? "You won yerself a man, Heather. We're mighty proud of you!" Okay, embracing is worse.

Bachelor

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